Will I Spill Tea On My Past Marriage?

One of the top questions I hear from people would have to be “when are you going to write a book?” For the most part, I think it comes from a place where people want me to “spill the tea” on my former marriage. It seems to be all the rage nowadays, tell all and behind the scenes looks under the veil of Hollywood glitz. The beautiful victim laying out what a captive she was. The thought of exposing something that I had once vowed to keep sacred, even if it had fallen apart….feels so…..EVIL. What is the point in smearing your soul with that kind of dreadful sin? Yes, shit went down….but it’s OVER. Move on. Digging it back up serves no good in this world. CLEARLY, we didn’t like each other in the end and moved on.

I am not a damsel in distress, a lovely victim wanting pity and public attention for the mistakes of my youth. I wasn’t forced to do anything, even if I was younger and less shrewd/experienced. There are two parts to every relationship…and 50% of ALL the problems in that situation were contributed BY ME. I cannot shirk my own personal responsibility and pretend that only ONE person was the villain. That is a lie. The fact of the matter is, two VERY emotionally damaged human beings who were wading through a sea of celebrated narcissism came together in an attempt to make the impossible work. Neither one of us had any love or care for our own selves, thus, we were incapable of providing anything but a shadow of it to one another. JUST because I walked away… doesn’t mean I feel I need to expose it to the public like some circus side show. At the time, I thought I was in love to my greatest capability. I truly believed I did the best that I could. In my years of maturing, I realized I did NOT do the best I could. Like most of the Western world, I grew accustomed to NUMBING myself from reality. I was completely checked out and didn’t even realize it. Things had hurt so much, the only way I could seemingly get through my days was to be high.

I have kept my darkest experiences on the DL and plan to leave them there. What is the purpose of exposing such things? Financial gain? Will cash hold me when I die? I have asked all my friends who experienced terrible things when they visited us or we them to simply let sleeping dogs lie. It is a part of my life I am not only ashamed of , but deeply embarrassed by. When I look back at who I was…all I see is a vapid, emotionally underdeveloped, shallow, deeply narcissistic twit in a marriage that reflected all of those qualities.

Chapter CLOSED. I only wish that man peace and happiness in his own journey on this earth. I forgive him.

I am happily married to my soul mate. If there is such a thing as the perfect match, I know I am experiencing it. What good does it do to delve through a dark past of pain? NONE. Also, I know I certainly wouldn’t feel good every time I went out with my husband someone wanting to talk about HIS ex to him all the time. Every single time someone brings up my ex husband in front of my now husband, the pang I feel in my heart is almost UNBEARABLE. My past mistake of foolishly wedding someone I had no business ever being in a relationship with effects the man I adore TODAY. He is a TROOPER. Leaving Hollywood was the absolute best thing we could have done to preserve our love for one another. Before he and I met, I went to intense therapy. I learned to value and love myself. By the time I met him, I was beginning to realize that I was STILL clinging to a few vices. Today marks 7 years of sobriety for me. 7 years ago, I simply stopped smoking weed. Everyone blamed my husband,. he changed me! He made me a stupid sober person! Adrianne just isn’t Adrianne without doping herself up every moment of every day! I realized, people want you to SHARE in their misery. They were not happy to see my progression in facing my demons or becoming my true self. They wanted the female version of Jay and Silent Bob. In order for me to transcend the numbed version of myself…I NEEDED to finally be sober. I remember feeling embarrassed when people would ask me to smoke and I would decline. The way they would scoff at me and sneer shook my core. It disgusted them and disappointed them. I started to question, “Would they have ever been my friend if I had been sober?” The sad answer is, a few of them wouldn’t . Turns out our only common ground was constantly sitting in a circle smoking weed. That’s it. That was the depth of our relationship. Sadly, that has also been the depth of my life. From age 13-32 my entire life considered of “where will I go hide to get high?” I had never experienced ANYTHING in all my adult years…SOBER.

The more I healed my heart and soul, the more people I thought loved me would get upset. They wanted me numb. Adrianne is ONLY fun when she is NUMB like me! Adrianne must have quit smoking weed because her husband is SO controlling! It’s so annoying to hear these things. I have a pack of white claw in my fridge that has moved with me from 3 HOMES! NO ONE says I cannot drink…I simply do not want to. I do not like the headaches, the needless calories (I could eat a cupcake instead!) I just do not want to be numb anymore. Think about that. Think about getting upset at someone for growing up and wanting to experience their life without their mind being altered. How unhealthy my existence had been!

NUMB me would have wrote that book. Numb me would have celebrated in the blood money I would have received. Numb me would have rolled about in all the relevancy and attention I would get in the press smearing my exes name and digging up the corpse of something long dead. Numb me would have lost my soul mate due to being brain dead at how my actions would take a toll on what we have.

I am NOT numb anymore. I am too busy being ALIVE.

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