Time To Take Responsibility!

The hardest thing for someone to do is to be accountable for their own life decisions. We live in a culture where people are encouraged to play victim and point fingers. EVERYONE is offended and EVERYONE feels someone else should be “named and shamed” to make their own regret and remorse evaporate. We teach people that instead of holding themselves accountable, it is easier to blame someone else. It’s straight from the Marxist handbook and it is single handedly destroying society. People who practice victimhood lack character because they have never had to rebuild themselves and learn from their mistakes. For a LONG TIME, I had MANY therapists try to push me down the path of perpetual victimization. I LOVED the idea. Not my fault! These bad things happened to me because (insert traumatic life event here) . Thank GOD I shook that indoctrination.

I got married young. He wasn’t always kind to me. I can look back at my young self and see someone who was easily manipulated and lied to. Does that erase my own personal responsibility? NO! Each time I was lied to, I made the decision to forgive and stay. Each time I was spoken down to and the like, I chose to keep on keeping on. No one is to blame for what I went through in those 7 years BUT MYSELF. My low self esteem and lack of maturity from not being a fully functioning adult (teen drug use and whatnot) were the product of my own life decisions. I will never sit here and blame that man for ANYTHING. I was responsible for myself and I REALLY let myself down. I am happy the day came that I packed up and bounced.

I made a BUNCH of REALLY stupid decisions when I was in LA chasing the dragon of fame and relevancy. I just about sold every single piece I had left of my soul to “play the game” without passing my body around like a party favor. I posted raunchy tweets, pics, the works. All because I “had to” in order to stay relevant and bring in the jobs. It worked….but at what cost? Can I look back and be proud? Not really. Is it awesome that Howard Stern used to brag about how much he loved following me? Not really. What is so amazing about that? yep, not much.

Posing on the cover of Playboy twice was highly enticing at the time. I was offered a coveted spot next to Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell, Elle McPherson, Stephanie Seymour, Carol Alt Eva Herzigova and more. My name was listed with theirs for years in Playboy West and on the website under “supermodels”. My Grandma’s face was probably the most disappointed I had EVER seen her with me. I will NEVER forget what that felt like when I saw it. Now, years later, I am not the biggest fan of my decision. Guess who I blame? Hugh Hefner? My ex? My Management? NO! That was MY DECISION! Why on EARTH would I blame someone else? Male Power Structures? LOL I don’t practice communist bull crap. I don’t believe in the lie of the patriarchy. I do not pretend men are better than me or “grooming” me. We were ALL young and dumb once. People will ALWAYS take advantage of young and dumb. Instead of teaching people to be professional victims…how about we teach them to be STRONG and consider the consequences of dumb decisions?

When I found out I could not have children, I was relieved FOR those children. I have a past I am NOT proud of. I can’t IMAGINE my own Mother having been on top sexiest lists, Maxim, Playboy, etc. I would be HORRIFIED. I did not make good decisions in my youth. It is best that people not have to suffer who are close to me due to my own stupidity and inability to foresee my own future.

I think, people are afraid to face themselves. They are afraid to admit that they did not protect themselves. They are afraid to admit that a series of dumb decisions on their part led them to a bad situation. They are afraid to admit they didn’t think ahead, that they ignored all the red flags, that what they did and how they did it was WRONG for them. Thus, they point the finger. it is FAR easier to blame someone else than to forgive yourself and to grow and learn from that forgiveness. I was a fool. I was immature. I stupidly barreled through my life not thinking about my future. I focused on vapid and shallow things and never truly analyzed myself. Yes, I was a victim here and there….but mostly, i was a victim of MYSELF.

photo by : Caroline Malouf

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