Time to get rid of most my dresses and high heels! I live on a big ranch. There is no need for this stuff anymore. I have been purchasing practical clothes. Furry vests for autumn, snow boots for the cold winter months. Cargo shorts instead of LA short shorts and lots of hiking shoes and socks. Thankfully, due to selling Avon, I still slap some makeup on my eyes and lips. At least I can look halfway human! A lot has been brought into perspective for me. Filters, contouring, lying about your age, weight, height, rubbing elbows,etc. All that GARBAGE that festered in LA is just…gone. I feel incredibly AWAKE. I look at the posts and the struggles of people struggling to make a footprint in entertainment. All I see is people blind to who and what they are, as well as those around them. That was me. I was completely blinded at how vapid and shallow my existence had become.
People will look at me and claim I am bitter. I am most certainly not. In fact, I am happier and more at peace with myself than I have ever been. I accomplished a lot in my career. Most women would die for a coveted spot in Maxims Hot 100, or Playboy’s top 25 sexiest celebrities. Some would give anything to win the first season of one of the most successful reality tv shows to ever air. I did it. I did it and way more. It did absolutely nothing for my soul. Nothing at all. I felt lost and alone in a world I never really felt I belonged. With each show I booked, ad that ran with me and audition I landed, I never felt accomplished. I’d get mobbed by paps, have fans waiting for me with pics to sign outside of a restaurant I went to. Most of society fantasizes that this is some wondrous thing. Adoring fans patting your back must feel so good! It’s empty. It does absolutely nothing for your soul. If this is what you aspire for in your life, people who don’t know you to fawn over you, you have a LOT of self discovery to do. It isn’t what you think it is. The only reason people want it is because it LOOKS better than what it is. Validation through others is not going to fill that void in your soul.
When I look back at what fed my soul the most, it was raising money for charities. It was connecting with people in a deeper way than just them fawning over me. It was being treated like I was normal. After my divorce, I realized how NOT NORMAL anyone that was in front of the camera at any point in their lives was. I ONLY tried to date “normal”. I was being asked out left and right by actors, rock stars, etc. Nope! Climbing the ladder, dating those with notoriety, that simply was NOT my way. Boy, has it paid off! Look at me now! I live in The Rocky Mountains with the most handsome ( albeit sometimes an almighty bunghole, lol ) man in all the world ( with a voice of molten gold ) and my soul is singing! I get to help women every single day pick out stuff that will make them FEEL GOOD! I get to chit chat with people and live a simple life.
So, goodbye, red carpet dresses and shoes. I know I have found my place in the world. I am a tomboy. I need to run around acres of land with filthy dogs and horses. I need to be surrounded by people who’s only agenda is asking if you’d like them to toss your trash on their trailer cause they are headed to the dump and wanna help ya out.
Damn, life is good!