Oh Baby, Does it SUCK? Review!

For the last few weeks, my shark professional vacuum has NOT been my friend. It has lost all suction. I ordered replacement filters in the hopes that I could breathe new life into it, to no avail. It was time to get a new vacuum. After watching them call names in the Senate, to which Matthew and I added names to the role call…. “Gandalf! Frodo! Theoden! ” and they passed their judgement …”As…you….wiiiiish!!!!” We hit the road.


I dragged Matthew to Walmart, an event as rare as The Northern Lights showing themselves in AZ. In we walked and landed upon the vacuums. I really liked the shark professional that died and imagined I’d just buy another. However, when we hit the aisle, I was in quite the conundrum. Lying before me were MANY sparkly vacuum cleaners. New models I had never even SEEN before. Yes, we all get it. Now I am pushing 40 and incredibly boring. I don’t compete with 21 year old girls on twitch while I bounce up in down in a poison a ivy outfit for views… and am excited for a fucking VACUUM. Yes. I. am. I have absolutely no shame in my adulting. I do not live in a shit pit. My home is my castle. THIS HOUSE IS CLEAN!

We finally decided on the

Shark Apex Duo clean AX950

Life as I know it….has changed….





This thing WIPES IT’S ASS WITH THE SHARK PROFESSIONAL! It has a goddamn HEADLIGHT on the detachable wand! The suction and brushes are SO good, no “dust” is left on hard wood. It cleans SO well, it almost self propels itself with it’s UNLIMITED POWA!



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I vacuum every single day. With my dirty shit box using cat, filthy stinky poop dog and 36 year old childlike Behemoth, there is no option NOT to. Now? I can’t fucking WAIT for these assholes to get shit everywhere…so I can battle it with my new weapon.


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