My Years Of Body Dysmorphia

I used to try to be as fit as I could. I was constantly told if I was not physical perfection, I would not ever work. I compared myself to other people in entertainment and obsessed over the fact that I worked harder and did more but did not look as good. I was really hard on myself and used to be with people who would constantly look at every woman who was super fit, giving me a complex. Actually, complex is an understatement. I became absolutely obsessed with becoming the She-Hulk. I tried to do it naturally. It made me depressed for many years that I could not live up to these bodies around me, some of which were older than me by a lot. I am a gullible person in the sense that I believe our word should have weight. From my early 20’s on, I’d ask people questions on how they got their bodies, believing them when they told me it was all natural. My discipline was out of this world. My training was daily. My nutrition was on point. I simply could not achieve that which takes doctors to achieve. My body was the best it could be…better than most. I was just blinded by the smoke and mirror show of LA. My body fat was so low at point that I missed periods. 
It wasn’t till I met and spoke with a world famous Doctor in LA that informed me they provide HGH to some of the top celebs and athletes. I actually went to said persons office with an ex who was getting some HGH. I was highly against him doing this. In fact, I was pretty angry about it. The doctor then gave me an education on the human body. The older we get, the less Human Growth Hormone our bodies produce. Those of us in our late 30s, 40s and beyond are usually in need of help to achieve that “20s body perfection”.  Yes, you can be fit as you age, but that “extraordinary” kind of fit? That takes science beyond that of physical labor. This help came with a HUGE price tag. Also, you had to INJECT this shit with a needle!  No needles for me! I saw 2 famous faces in the waiting room with their sunglasses and their incognito outfits. I remember being angry. I also remember thinking this is only something those in their late 40s, 50s, etc are doing. Not anyone my age!
I finally face planted into a wall of reality when our trainer in North Hollywood in 2016 laughed when I showed him pictures of women’s bodies I wanted to mold mine to be. He admitted he took steroids and that no woman can be that fit without some help. He had been in the fitness industry for 30 years. Something snapped in my brain. I had been chasing a dragon veiled in shadow. I was never going to achieve that which I coveted most because I was unwilling to go the extra mile with juice.  Instead of working out 7 days a week….I went to 3-4. Instead of eating n0 carbs and monitoring my calorie intake like a psychopath, I relaxed. I allowed myself to have more treats.
I am glad to be ME. I am happy to be out of the world of comparing my body to everyone else around me. I am 154lbs now. When I met Matthew, I was an my lowest 134lbs! I am still very fit now, but I have some body fat. Us women are supposed to have that! The one benefit of this is my butt looks amazing! I never really had one before! Do not compare yourself to others. You’d be shocked at what others have and are willing to do to achieve what you think is natural. Be happy with YOU.
I am about to get married. Last night I ate a bacon cheeseburger and fries. I am DONE living MY life to appease others with a perfect body. I am done chasing the dragon that I can never catch unless I start injecting and popping stuff. I am still fit as hell and beautiful….and my periods are REGULAR again (outside preexisting issues because of my faulty uterus). Many people will say “You look great!”. It took a while to accept an almost 16lb weight gain. I can still struggle looking in the mirror. My veins are still there, but they don’t snake down my arms into my hands like they used to. I look fit, but softer. I have to remind myself daily that it is OK to live a happier less psychotically obsessed life. That is what it took for me to be as fit as I was prior. My entire existence on this earth was fitness. It ate away at every aspect of my life. I am told by everyone how much better I look now.
Be happy with the BEST YOU. DO not look to Hollywood, Instagram, fitness, Movies, etc for any sort of TRUTH. Be healthy, be fit, but do NOT obsess!


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