Musing On Marriage

  1. I used to sit in toxic relationships and put my all into them in an attempt to “make it work”. I was REALLY GOOD at putting on a “face”. I would slap on a smiling persona and gush about a man who I knew to be a piece of shit because I did not want to publicly admit my defeat. I went to therapy with them, sometimes for YEARS attempting to salvage something that was never there. I got burned out on it…bad. By the time I met Matthew, anything he said or did was held against him in a court of FUCK YOU. I had no “work it out” left and promptly left him whenever I deemed him “not marriage worthy”. I did this twice. I finally had SELF WORTH and SELF RESPECT. If I deemed someone not seeing me for what I was worth? BYE FELICIA! I am glad I did. It helped him realize I was worth it…allowed me to work on my own baggage… and we both adjusted ourselves to be able to live happily with one another.
Second marriage. What I’d give to take that monstrosity back! I DESPISE the mistake I made in my early 20s. I find myself wishing I had more wisdom or self respect back then to avoid such a thing. This is NOT my husband’s second marriage. I feel he got the short end of the stick . His side was brimming with excitement whereas my camp had a spatter of applause. Hell, we couldn’t escape it even on our wedding day. A woman approached us as we gazed into each others eyes before dinner in the hotel lobby awaiting our table. She asked ALL about the surreal life! What a wondrous conversation to have with your new husband before your mini reception! I almost cried in her face. lol. That, and so many disapprove of our union due to my having moved away from him twice. I make my own money and have a uhaul trigger finger. If anything was amiss I’d be packed and gone in 2 seconds. lol. We joke all the time that I am late on leaving him this year. However, the bitter chill of disapproval has been so strong it has alienated me from people I was once very close to. I have found, people are incredibly judgmental. If you do not do precisely what THEY think you should do…you are thrown from the pack to the cold. Luckily, I have some really good people in my life, including my husband, who have been there for me during this ice age in my life. I think, I wore some mighty good masks before. If all the times this should have happened…I wish this disapproval had come while I was with those who did not deserve me.
For me, CHEATING is the sin. Emotional and physical. Hell, sitting around starring at other women all day online hurts more than a yelling match about compromise. Nothing has happened here that wasn’t fixable. I think everyone else has breaking points that are different. For example, YOU may stay with someone who was not loyal to you whereas I would NOT. Your friend may forgive his wife for punching him in the jaw whereas I would label her INSANE and leave her with NO CONTACT..ever. lol. It is easy to judge others so long as we don’t hold a mirror up to ourselves. I have put myself through almost DECADES of therapy. In fact, I may start some up again to deal with the new ice age in my life. I think I have evolved far past most people I know. My journey for self improvement and self awareness has been more hardcore than most. I can see clearly things in others that they seem to be utterly blind to. I have watched people look at me in disbelief as I dissected my own actions and explained what negative things from my past or my own psyche has fueled them.
I’ve never been satisfied with just accepting who I am. If there are bad parts of me, I want them worked on and dealt with. Hell, I used to tweet at the president to tell him what a turd burgler he was. Super mature. Get out of here with that childish shit. lol. Fixed THAT!


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