I always liked to think that I held my shit together quite well after winning Top Model. I fancied myself grounded and still “down to earth. I wasn’t. Fame is a disease. You dont have photographers chasing you and fans screaming and crying when they see you and come out normal. Over the years, it slowly corrupted me into someone I wasn’t. I got louder, wilder, and more unruly because that behavior was rewarded with MORE money and more work. I was surrounded by star fuckers, ladder climbers, movers and shakers. People who had no interest in my well being were pulling my strings and I danced like a fucking monkey. All the while fooling myself that I was the same person inside. The simple world I had once known was gone. The girl who had been picked to go on and eventually win America’s Next Top Model had been tainted by the filth that is the entertainment industry.
I became obsessed with money. Making it to help myself and my family was all I cared about. I didnt get the prizes or money I was promised and was angry as hell. Looking back, though the root of what drove me was admirable and noble, not all my actions followed suit. I dis things I never would have done for cash. It wasnt that scandalous, but it simply was NOT me. Nor did it follow my core beliefs. I was told to “amp it up” on cam and before interviews. I stopped wearing my bandanna because I was told it was “not becoming”. I took off my spiked collar because I was told at an audition I looked like “Heavy Metal Trailer Trash”. Bit by bit, my behavior, wardrobe, even my voice (I worked on it very hard to enunciate properly and drop my Chicago accent) completely changed. I let those around me convince me I needed to. I remember sitting at my old house I shared with my ex husband in Hermosa Beach, CA, looking around at all the “well to do” people milling about and marveling at it. The absurdity that I would ever live in such a pompous area. Me, somehow living in the Beverly Hills on the Beach surrounded in women wearing Prada drenched in diamonds as their husband’s cheated on them with their assistants every day. I wasnt reflecting those women yet, but my life was very lonely and similar. I was always told I didn’t “dress my part” etc, and tried harder and harder to BE what I was told I SHOULD be…rather than simply be who I am. I remember crying on my old roof deck on the phone with a friend, complete with expansive views of Palos Verdes, Catalina Island all the way to Malibu Point over the sparkling sea…asking why I ended up in that fortress of solitude. I had never been so fucking unhappy. Me. The calm and chill one. The rocker chick who didn’t care for this shit. Here I was, immersed in everything I ever claimed to fucking hate. Here I was trying to dumb down who I was and diminish my soul to fit into a world I did not belong in. The falseness of it, the acting, the complete fake bullshit they all projected for “image”. I fought against it, but man, I was losing.
When I left, I knew I didn’t want a single thing from that place. It was tainted. I took my clothes and that was it. I feel, since 2011, I have been battling to find myself again. Desperate to cleanse myself of the filth I picked up in that narcissistic shit hole. Tonight, I laughed as I stumbled on old clips of Robyne (however the fuck you spell it) from my 1st season of Top Model. Surprisingly, I watched it. I didn’t realize I’d be in it so much. I HATE watching myself, especially old clips. I am super self conscious about my voice. When I watched, I SAW myself. The real me. Untainted and raw. Young and immature, but so undeniably me. Bandanna, NIN shirt, mumbling monotone, always cool and chill and sometimes a wild immature idiot. Certainky not that monster I had become. That is when I felt the wind knocked out of me. In my quest to cure myself of my corruption, I think I unearthed a more mature and much more confident version of that kid. I felt more in tune with who I am than I have since I was 20. I am more the way I used to be than I have ever been. I then thought to myself, I was a victim of the Golden age of Reality Tv. The Kelly Clarkson of Top Models. The OG.
Eerily, I think I processed those words for the first time in my life. They are a script I have recited time and time again to fans and interviewers. I have never really studied what I said, or self reflected on it. I finally did. I won a huge reality show before it was a “thing” to win huge reality shows. I have a weird place in pop culture. I paid a heavy price for diving into the world of Hollywood reality stars in their Golden age…I fell into toxic circles and questioned who I was as I tried to do what I thought would please others…but I feel like I am finally back. I am proud of winning that show. I may not be proud of the few years I had after, but I got better! In 2020, when these fake tits finally come out, I will 100% be me. No additives. I may be covered in a lot of Hollywood battle wounds (some are mental), especially my poor titties, (which were quite glorious pre-boob job and I am an IDIOT for ever listening to anyone say otherwise) but I don’t know how many people survive that shit show of an industry and come out on the other side. I did.
Hey, how’s it going? I’m back, and I feel pretty fucking good about it.
A big shout out to my husband, who I believe helped point out the huge hole I had fell into. I thought I had clawed my way out, but he saw me still half way down. No one has ever held their hand out to me the way he has to hoist me out. From false friends, to reevaluating my career, he has inspired me to really cleanse my life. You make me want to be a better person, Matthew. I am so glad we both held up the mirror to each other and were able to really see ourselves and what life could be away from the industry.
Related News
What. The. Fuck? Seriously, what actually happened to my body? I am COUNTING the number of items I …
I LOVE masks. There are so many to choose from and I usually don’t have favorites. However, the …
This message brought to you by Oxycodone. I have had a very rough 48 hours. Luckily . I …
51 Comments
Leave a Comment
You must be logged in to post a comment.
I was never in that industry, but I have to say that you inspire me at 57 to work hard on staying true to myself and live my life and stop comparing my life and myself to others and to what society says it should be! Thank you!
Well said but don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone flounders then hopefully finds their way. I’m 53 and on my third marriage and last one 🙏🏼. Went through some very tough times but made it. Something you can be proud of too! Here’s to growing learning and finding yourself again❤️ And to being an awesome Avon Lady!
I’ve never understood the concept of fame, the idea that I should be excited about anyone because of their job is just absurd. I imagine that need for constant validation to be exhausting and TBH, I see it as a weakness. It’s beautiful to see you escape that trap and embrace yourself in all your badassness! Rock that inner peace girl! You deserve it! We all do.
The only reason I think we are here. Is to discover who we are…gain wisdom and knowledge….and be comfortable in our own skin
I absolutely loved reading this! I know you said you were never really down to earth… But I thought you were… You always spoke your mind (but maybe now I see that it wasn’t?) You played video games (WoW) you were funny… But I can see better now what you went through. I’m so glad you’re finding your REAL self. I know we have never met obviously lol but as a fan, we feel we know you! I’m so sorry you had to endure what you did…. But I’m glad you’re coming out of it a better person! 😍
I remember you from way back in the beginning. You were always gorgeous and had an excellent sense of humor. Now, I can see that you have matured and the things that you have been through have made you wiser and stand firm in your beliefs. You don’t take shit from anyone. You’re a strong lady and I am glad you finally found true happiness. Congratulations on your beautiful home and your solid relationship. You deserve it! 💪🏼
Isn’t it freeing to realize that just being you is enough?
I remember seeing you on top model back in the day and feeling happy that their was someone like me represented on tv. Everyday in high school people would come and try to be like the people they saw and I did not relate to ANY of them. I dressed almost exclusively in band shirts that no one listened to. I had an odd sense of humor, and because of it I felt completely out of place. You were the first person I ever saw on television that reminded me of me at all and it was GLORIOUS! I am so glad to see you getting back to that. I am so very happy for you that you finally found the right person to help pull you out of that black hole! You are beautiful, you are amazing, and thank you for being so real.
Thank you so much, you really inspire me!
Your story is so useful for who is out of that industry, because is often thougth as beautiful world full of lights and glitters, but they never make us see “the dark side” of this industry
I must say you are definitely an unforgettable top model face, you were the one that got me interested in the show. From where you came from and everything you’ve been through, you are definitely a strong person. You’re an inspiration to millions , to just be yourself and you can accomplish anything. You showed people that it is possible to rewind and find yourself again, even when it seems impossible. May you never lose yourself again xoxo
I wrote you an e-mail after you won the competition, and you responded about your plans for after the win. Very humble, very cool. I am glad you were able to pull yourself out of that hole and get back to your roots. ❤️
Ure a great person , I’ve seen part of your career and you were very successful and now you are free , and have won the race by been yourself and achieve to be happy congrats !!!
“Be strong , you never know who are u inspiring ..”
I admire your honesty, Adrianne. Although I love watching ANTM, I completely understand how the industry would attempt to consume and change you. I’m happy you recognized the impact in time. Cheers to shedding off all that doesn’t belong 🙂
thank you for posting this! i have glorified the show ANTM ever since i was a little girl and watch the show often. i’m an aspiring model and i find the show very informative and inspiring and i often find myself dreaming of what it would be like to break into the industry such as you did. i watched your season this summer and was struck with awe at the person that you are. so genuine, motivated and down to earth. you are a heart of gold! thank you for sharing this story and reminding us of the ugly sides of the entertainment industry and how you survived it. you are an inspiration to me !
I’m glad you’re happy.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You look more beautiful now than you did on Top Model, not to mention you (IMO) look younger! I don’t know anyone famous and I’ve never lived the Hollywood life, but other than having money, not one thing about that lifestyle appeals to me. I’ve really enjoyed watching you change back into yourself. It is inspirational to witness this. Take care.
Loved reading this- top model has been something my sisters watched when I was a little girl (and still do) and I have always thought you were the most genuine seeming girl in top model history. Reading your blog posts now and following you on Instagram, I’m very inspired by you and how genuine you still seem.
Incredibly insightful and also incredibly moving Ms Curry. Those young starlets, chasing their dreams, fame and fortune would do well to read about your experiences and your fight to find your true identity after being reconstructed for Hollywood.
I’m so glad that you found your way back hun. I’ve had a few close friends on ANTM. And some have really regretted it. It’s great to see you find yourself and know exactly what you want.
I feel like you and I have a lot of similar views when it comes to the expectations of other and the expectations of myself. I am in a relationship that makes me question everything I thought I ever knew because my boyfriend is so brutally honest with me. I have to face the truth a lot and it’s really fucking hard. But it’s so worth it. Truth and self are all that matter at this point.
Adrianne, you are my hero! I have watched you since you were on ANTM. I thought you were awesome. You did not have to change 1 thing about yourself! What I admire about you is that you are able to put down in words what I have felt too. I was told most of my life that I had to be more social and I was not thin enough. Fuck that! This is me and I am a great person and I care about people and animals and I am happy with myself. I am confident enough to say take me or leave me. Keep being true to yourself! Thank you for being an inspiration.
I did a lot of stupid things in my 30s as well. Sold out over love, did dumb things out of insecurity, projected myself based on my looks/sex appeal instead of realizing i was actually smart. Now I’m 47. Supposedly still pretty (I don’t pay attention), 40lbs heavier (not proud of it but also wtf cares?), and i am smarter than the average bear. I have a beautiful son who makes me keep going and shows me true love. We all go through it. But i can say as a south side girl at heart (lived by marquette park), it makes us better, harder, and can bounce back from anything. Keep going.
I knew you from ANTM, but only watched because it was on in the living room. I was never into modeling, and I never had good self esteem. I started following you after seeing an article about celebrities with bipolar disorder, as I was diagnosed and looking to relate to someone. Then I just thought you were super cool and not how I see most “rich” or “famous” people. Then you encouraged me to try to take care of myself more. I’m nearing 30 and have never ever taken care of myself. Thank you for being you. It’s definitely influenced me in a good way.
You are the only TV person that I was ever able to relate to. Choice of music being a big part of that. I followed you through much of the crap you went through and although yes, you were different, the real you still came through at times and made me laugh. Love your sense of humour. I’m so glad you are now in a good place. Love watching your lives on FB (even though I can’t order from Australia). I think when you go through hard times you can truly appreciate the good. You are Matthew are now living your dream and wishing you both nothing but smooth happy waters.
I remember that season so well. You were always my favorite. You had a raw nature that was new. I have always admired you and your work. I am glad you were able to come full circle. You did it for you and that is the most important thing. Keep rockin it. Metal rules so there🤘❤️
I say good for you! You realized that life was not the “real you” and you left it and found the life you are loving now. That’s a hard step to take so kuddos to you. I hope you and Matthew will forever be happy in your new life, new marriage and new home.
I say good for you! You realized that life was not the “real you” and you left it and found the life you are loving now. That’s a hard step to take so kudos to you. I hope you and Matthew will forever be happy in your new life, new marriage and new home.
I watched you on ANTM and the Brady bullshit (cried for/with you on that). Always thought there was a LOT more to you than what was portrayed. All the best to you and hubby.
It would be so easy to sit back and think, “fame would never change me,” but I’d imagine fame and fortune would make you insane. After a while, I assume it would seem like everyone just wants their pound of flesh. Kudos to you for escaping the entertainment business, you’re living your true self and inspire so many people in the process, myself included!
Do you regret winning Top Model?
A lot of the models even after not winning top model still managed to do work outside of it. With how they fucked you over with your contract, I wonder what would have been if you would have came in second (but not to Shannon.)
I’ve been rewatching ANTM and tbh I was shocked Shannon was against you. It was no contest in my head. I was fully expecting Elyse to be up against you.
A lot of people claim ANTM is rigged, like producers purposefully choosing bad pictures, the stuff that Angelea came out with (how they would try and starve the models to make them crankier for TV)… Seems to be a much darker side to ANTM.
For what it’s worth, I did like seeing you after ANTM reality TV wise. I know you said you felt like you lost yourself, but what I saw was still amazing. I was very young at the time, and would read your blogs on MySpace and such. Idk, I was just coming & figuring out myself at the time that I really looked up to you as far as personality went. I’m just really glad you came out above it all.
Beautiful your latest post. You survived, I don’t know how or what came over you to get the hell out But you are one of the lucky few that have. You could have easily wasted away or become addicted to drugs and in the end tossed like garbage. Somehow you did get out, and I have a feeling it was because of all the prayers your beloved grandma did all those years, her faith and her beliefs. Prayer does go a long way, even if you don’t believe it, what matters is that she did. So happy for you! You be sure to enjoy this second chance!
Hey! Im from Portugal and was re-watching ANTM cycle 1 and came to look for you because you’re amazing and this blog post left me a bit heart broken! I think we all change a bit whenever we grow up, there’s no escape from that and maybe you’ll never be like the younger version of yourself, that’s not bad necessarily! The life style youve acquired maybe made you lose yourself for a while, but what matters is that you have realised this and youre not working in bettering yourself, next to a family that loves you. No matter what you’ll always be the first winner of ANTM <3 love from Portugal!
i mean you’re now working* sorry!
Adrianne,
On the other side of the t.v. and computer screen but hailing from the same Midwestern state not too far away from you came from, I’ve always looked up to you and your free spirit. When you talk about the pursuit of money, I know you are talking about survival. And I don’t believe for one second you did it out of pure greed. You did it to help yourself and your family. I remember you talking about being cheated out of money from modeling scams and how your mom has always helped you. It was noble to try and turn the tables around and go for it. I don’t think anyone can criticize you for ever having tried to better yourself in that way, and even better, you learned from the pursuit and everything else. What we saw on ANTM was not just superior and inferiors, judges and contestants, we saw ugliness of what entertainment does to people–on all sides. Whatever you were judged for that you did wrong or what you had to change for someone else’s approval is bullshit. And you took the crown anyway, because of who YOU were, not because of what you were changed into by others. That can never be taken away. You are beautiful, you are amazing. You always have been. From what you’ve written, you always knew in your heart what was up but the courage to take action and change it is a huge challenge for us all. That you continue to share that you’re still taking action to make positive changes in your life is extremely admirable. That you don’t just talk but you try and do, is what we should all aspire to. Thank you for being honest about your experiences and continuing to keep in touch with us all. I wish you nothing but a safe surgery and swift recovery, and a healthy and beautiful life. Much love to you. <3
I very much wanted to take care of my family…and wanted to work to give myself a better path than the one I was destined for in a factory
Xoxoxo
I have a feeling you just pleased her, wherever she is
Top model was not rigged in my time. They did not even know what they were doing. Elyse was condescending to the judges to the point that they highly disliked her. She dug her own grave. No one is going to help or vote for someone they think is a self righteous knowitall. Over time, antm got girls on that clearly would never make it in modeling. It became a show instead of a model search. I was too old. Anyone at 20 is too old to start a career. My path led me to more money. TV was more money. Modeling, when you arent adriana lima..doeant pay shit
Rock on!!!
I don’t blame you one bit. In a lot of towns across America, there really isn’t much opportunity other than the ones that you’re limited to if you live in a certain area that’s beholden to whatever is pumping money into the local economy. It really takes guts to go for something else. I’ll always admire anyone that goes for it. Thanks for responding! <3
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!“
Rocky Balboa
reading this gives me a lot of inspiration, I am a big fan of ANTM and when I saw the first cycle (a few years later), I loved your personality and I was very glad that you won, because you were improving a lot, although the whole problem that happened was horrible with the program maybe that happened, it makes you the great person you are today … good luck to you ♡
I see you, girl. You are still my most favorite ever. I legit went back and started watching ANTM to watch you again. I don’t remember the other winners. You always stood out. You were fierce before fierce was really a thing. I have no doubt in anything you put your mind to. I am happy you are coming back to you. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
This was a great read and very interesting. Thank you❤️
I was on a reality show in 2008. Prior to that show all i wanted was to be apart of anything famous. I quickly learned, that world was not for me. Like you say, we are here to learn. I admire your ability to speak up and against the lifestyle, especially as many people really don’t understand the darkness of “fame.”
Keep writing so other young girls will read/hear and not comprise themselves for a world that
I am proud of you for standing your grounds and seeing how other people in hollywood are only there for you because of fame. I am also proud that you moved on from a toxic marriage (tvland) to a man who truly loves you. You are a southern girl trying to be you and couldn’t be and now you give us hope that life can be better if we can just be real and say f#@! this, I am doing this for me. If they don’t like it , here’s the sign (finger).
You inspire me! Thank you for sharing your story
I would love to hear about all the wonderful things you did for your mom! It was very touching to see how much you love her. I would give my mom the world, if I could. You are forever my favorite model. Rock on!
Do you still talk to Elyse, or ever did after the show ended. During the end of the series it made it seem like you two were super close and just got each other. Was it faked on TV or did something happen?
we had a falling out. she repeated things I told her in confidence to my work…i wish her well
My Mom and I just got done watching the first season, and we wanted to see how you were doing in 2020, I found all the articles where you shared the ugly side of everything and I love you for thst. You did something not a lot of people would do, and you turned yourself back into the person I saw on day one of the show. Thank you truly for staying true to yourself, you did wonders in the world.