I Am An Irrelevant Has-been!

Clearly, my only desire in life is to chase the Dragon in Hollywood. I jumped from one celebrity mate to the other, climbing the ladder of relevancy till I hit the big time….as all good little fame whores do. ::snort:: The number one insult internet trolls toss at me is usually how I am haggard, washed up, has-been, old, etc. Last night, I was in bed with my husband and laughed a bit with him how the very things used against me…are things I am proud of.

I will never forget when I started hearing from my people that celebrity men were contacting my agencies to GO ON A DATE with me after my divorce. It was singularly one of the most off putting things I have ever experienced in my LIFE. It felt like they had opened an ad in the newspaper and saw something they wanted, having their “team” give my “team” a call to set it up. No effort. No trying to be somewhere I was to organically run into me. Nope. I was an item on a menu they wanted to order. I was NOT having it.

“You HAVE to play the game. What will it hurt to go on a date? EVERYONE in Hollywood does it like this.” they said. Play the game? My failed marriage was NOT a game, to me. It may have been to others, but I actually loved him with what I was capable of at the time (Maturity and learning to love yourself does wonders!). I was not going to be peddled out to celebrity men to climb the fame ladder. I was not going to go out to a swanky restaurant to be photographed with someone I barely knew. I was NOT going to walk the red carpet as a date in Hollywood, making the press assume I am SLEEPING with the guy who invited me….and I am CERTAINLY NOT going to be some gay guys BEARD. I dated a couple of NERDS before I met my husband, much to the dismay of my “team”. They were nobodies and nothings. They did NOTHING to propel me and my “career” to another level of relevancy. Some came with their own set of problems. Perhaps I reached too low, as I was paying for most my dates, etc. However, it was rebellion.

Dating for gain? That isn’t me. That isn’t something I could live with. I actually WANTED to find someone who would love and cherish me, not just want to be seen with me. I wanted to find the one. I didn’t believe in divorce (raised catholic) so I forced my ex to file, lest I open my mouth and yap about what happened. Not the best threat I have made in my life, but I didn’t earn that divorce, he did. So, he had to PAY for it and put the work into it to end it. I didn’t even hire a lawyer. I didn’t want anything but for the guy the GTFO of my life forever. Nothing I could have fought for would be better than THAT, I assure you. I was SO DEPRESSED at what a failure that relationship was. However, I was SURE I could find what I had always wanted. Someone on the same page as me with morality. Someone who valued LOYALTY above all. That is not something you are going to find from a guy hitting up your management to be seen on a date….or an aging famous rocker who sowed his oats and now wants a young hottie to breed with.

Meeting my husband in person after stumbling onto each other on TWITCH, I knew from the moment he stood and smiled at me that there would be no other. It was electric. I lost a few friends, or rather, I distanced myself from a few people when he and I met. A couple of my old girlfriends squealed when I told them I was sure I met “the one”… ‘but, he has no MONEY! You MUST get serious about someone with MONEY.” My mouth hung open as I listened to that filth. Was all of LA full of ladder climbers…clinging to whatever rung they could get to, be it fame or finances? They had no concept of Twitch, or that my husband was an OG streamer who made a great living. They had been pushing me HARD to date this billionaire guy who would not leave me alone (He would ping me on holidays, etc for YEARS after till I changed my number!). He REALLY turned me off after a few casual and innocent dates. He came onto me so hard in a sexual manner at LUNCH TIME…in the sunlight….leaning INTO my mini cooper ..lifting my shirt and kissing my stomach. We had never even kissed before, and here he was tap dancing past all my boundaries. I was SO GROSSED OUT . Nope, bye, sorry, eat shit, guy. To these women who I THOUGHT had better morality than they did…a gross pervert Billionaire was better than a “Twitch Streamer”. It didn’t matter that he was low quality, breed and have babies! Fly in private jets! He has a mansion on the strand! He wants children! He is in full pursuit of you because no woman has EVER ignored him like you do! They explained to me how they all received more than 15 thousand in child support a month….and over 10k in alimony from their previous marriages. I used to think they were successful women. Nope. They married for money and raked em over the coals when they left. It was succubus central.

Seriously. That is what they were telling me, trying to convince me I was making the wrong choice. I never spoke to them again after that day. Just your regular ghost mode. My team, my own friends, everyone was trying to convince me to prostitute myself for fame and riches. What the actual hell is WRONG with LA???

Relevancy, fame and wealth come at a terrible cost. When someone tells me I am lacking in these departments, I am PROUD. In 2015 I turned down a job with E! because it went against my morality…and would have ended my relationship. My “team” begged me to do it, it was AMAZING MONEY. It would propel me a few levels up and the jobs would pour in, as E! was hot shit at the time. Then, the straw that broke the camels back. “Your boyfriend will understand, just tell him it’s all Hollywood and fake! It isn’t like you two will be together in a year.” Nope. DONE. I was DONE. I turned down the gig and every single gig offered to me after that would hurt my relationship. Quickly, my husband realized we had to leave LA if we wanted to survive as a couple. He and I met in Jan of 2015. He and I left officially in Jan of 2017. We had show offers. People wanted to document us leaving the big city. They especially wanted to do a show when we moved to NOWHERE LAND in the rockies. We decided together….no. Our relationship wasn’t worth cash and fame…stress and public scrutiny.

I am so glad I am a has-been. I don’t want TO BE. I am so grateful I am irrelevant. Look at the quality of the people on the internet that value such things, are those people who I want to be on their radar? Do I want to impress someone who spends all day spewing hate and evil at others? Yep, being told I am nothing and nobody is a COMPLIMENT. I just want to sell Avon. I am done with my former life. I learned a lot about myself and the world by being in it. There is a reason I let my grey hair grow out and removed my implants with no replacement. I am not in the business of dancing like a circus monkey for the amusement of others. My self worth and value doesn’t come from me being featured on tv or walking a red carpet. I love my life.

You aren’t insulting me, it’s the best compliment you can give. I don’t want to be part of that world….nor YOURS. 😛

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