Growing Up & Learning What Love ISN’T

“You were SO immature on your old shows! You were so wild and crazy! You must still be that way!” This is something I hear a lot. So, I want to ask, what did YOU act like fresh after your 22nd bday? Were you the beacon of maturity? Probably not. I can look back on my life and clearly see what my issues were. I fell in love with the absolute wrong person with troves of their own deep rooted issues. I needed more therapy for what I went through at a young age and the years abusing drugs had kept me from blossoming into maturity. Technically,  I was still 15 years old in my mind.

I had a very public life including my personal life. It wasn’t good. It was as fake as fake can be. I learned just how horrible sharing my personal life is. I would NEVER expose my partner to ANY television now. What I have with my husband is sacred…and no paycheck, ego boost, validation ANYTHING would make us open our home in such a toxic and corrosive way. I don’t care if it was for a damn cooking episode on a low rating network, or for the damn Amazing Race. When life is good, you don’t need a film crew to set up scenes to prove it on some fake ass tv show. I literally CRINGE when I see ANY couple on ANY show. I see the falseness. I KNOW how many takes they took to open that door to say “Hello!” to the host. It’s so fucking cringe. We have turned down every offer and whisper that came our way. Naturally, I toyed with the idea in the beginning, but I have learned. No. Matthew isn’t worth anything that world can offer me.

Growing the fuck up is what led me to step away from the spotlight. Finally seeing myself through clearer lenses was all I needed to REALLY start to heal myself. My life now with my husband is the love and acceptance I always wanted from a partner. The bond of love that I shared with my family was something I was looking to duplicate. You cannot do that with anyone other than someone else who also shares a similar bond with their family. 9X out of 10, someone from an unloving or chaotic family or upbringing can not duplicate something they do not know.  Taking that step back to assess myself allowed me to deeply mature….all the while remaining as immature as possible to laugh in life. The best part about my current situation? My stomach NEVER flips. I never wonder what my husband is up to. I never wonder what is on his computer or in his emails. I don’t look at his phone and feel my stomach drop. No secret brain alarms go off when he does ANYTHING. Toxicity is being with someone you constantly feel sick to your stomach being with. I cannot believe what I tolerated in my youth. If this sounds familiar to you. STOP. Just, stop.

I’m 37 now. I am not 22. I look back on that flawed version of myself with empathy, understanding and a little embarrassment. I know what she desperately wanted….and that bitch wasn’t going to get it from anyone or anything that was part of her life then. I was willing to completely dissect myself and rebuild. To really ask myself what motivated me. To pick apart all my actions and see what drove them. I’ve been greatly rewarded for having done it. My only regret is no one will know how far I have come in my life from what they knew. However, I remind myself that it isn’t important what Tommy in Connecticut thinks of me. So long as my friends and family that I keep sacred know who and what I am now…nothing else matters.

Life is good, even when it isn’t. What a gift to walk this earth.

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