Today, I am 36 years old. I remember the dread I felt turning 26! Ha! It’s been 16 years since I won Top Model! I’ve been on a long personal journey in opening my eyes to who I am as well as who I used to surround myself with. During this journey, I realized how utterly narcissistic my (and most people’s) Instagram/Twitter is. I am not talking about professional shots or pics taken of me by others. We all need to make a living! I am talking about endless selfies. I literally felt ill when I realized just how many selfies I took. Look at my new cosplay item! Look at me flex and show off my abs! Look at my new bra! look at my new (fill in blank)! It was an endless sea of vapid shallowness pumped out in the hopes that it would be liked. No need for a life jacket in my pond, it’s hardly ankle deep! I had to share all my thoughts! All my musings were incredibly thought through before posting in the hopes for major social media traction! The Internet has become the new reality tv show for the world. Instead of filming for 4 weeks to make a show, we are all pumping out content every single day of our lives.
I downloaded and paid for a service that would delete every single tweet I ever tweeted. Matthew deleted his entire Instagram, Twitter AND Facebook! For me, over 62,000 tweets were gone in the span of one night. 10 years. All that “Look at me! Have I mentioned me? Have you seen me work out? Have you seen me in a new dress? Look at what I am doing and where I am doing it at!” tweets, gone. It is so freeing! I awoke today to a new slate! Plus, with the psycho witch hunt people have been on lately to ruin lives over tweets, why have any of em? A new fresh start! A new path for someone that doesn’t want to base their lives on seeking validation from the internet!
Also, last night I hit my Instagram and started deleting away. A selfie with a friend in it? I kept it. However, endless seas of narcissistic posts? Gone. Thus far, I have deleted over 2 thousand images. I am not done! I model makeup and clothes still and my amazing dude snaps the shots. I don’t need an endless sea of images of me taking pics of myself. Stepping back from the biz has opened my eyes to how mentally ill it makes me look to have that shit. A pro shot of my cosplay or a snap a friend took of me? Fine! ME setting up my camera to show off ME? No! It makes me cringe to see! To really step outside myself and analyze my behavior makes my skin crawl right off my muscle and bones.
I am more than that. I always have been. The only limitations I ever had was deciding to follow the pack of “I wanna be famous and successful in entertainment!” peeps and not to the beat of my own drum. Sure, I held on to SOME individuality, but had you told a 15 year old me that I’d grow up to sit around taking pics of myself all week, every week, all year, every year….I’d have barfed! I never aspired to grow up to turn into such a vapid being. As I said, I sell Avon. I will post that. However, I will post a bit less….and may be posting more nature. I am not going to use the excuse of “I am growing my brand!” to be such a vapid little shit. Either you guys want me to be your Avon Lady or you don’t. Either you will be happy with me being it and tell your friends or you wont. My posting endless selfies of me flexing my muscles, prancing around in new outfits, etc is NOT going to expand my brand. It’s going to look stupid, it always has. Realizing that was like getting ice water tossed down my back. 😛
So, don’t be shocked when you see the major cleanse of my accounts. Happy Bday to me! My gift to myself is major self awareness and the ability to change behaviors about myself that I did not like.
PS- My amazing guy went all out with a Star Wars bday! Cantina music played on a loop (I contemplated ending the world) while I opened all my gifts. 8 place setting were set up (complete with chairs!) for Chewie, Kylo, some Storm Troopers and the droids. I loved it! Also, this fucking FART BOOK is LIFE!