Recently, I had a falling out with someone I wrongly thought felt the same way about me as I felt about them. A shocking ordeal, to be sure. I am VERY selective with those I let into my inner circle and incredibly loyal to them. To find what was essentially a “fly by night” buddy in my deepest inner circle was jarring. Long story short, they left me feeling like I had to defend my worth as a human and as a friend after informing me that they saw me as a “party friend”. (I dont party! lol) I do not believe in “score keeping”. If I had, I would have rattled off all the things I had done for them…which were many. The thing is, I didn’t do any of it to keep score. I did it all because I really loved, valued and cared about them. So, to be told I wasn’t seen in the same light was devastating. It left me wanting to defend my loyalty, integrity and honor. It left me wanting to point out each thing I had done out of love and compassion. I began to question if my low level celebrity at the time of our meeting was the only thing that was of value to this person. I was disappointed in myself for not seeing what our relationship really was to them… Convenience. Opportunity. A good marketing strategy.
If someone questions the very core of who you are, let it roll off your shoulders. You cannot force anyone to see your value. There is no argument, statement or proof you can give someone who sees you as “less than”. Sometimes, you have to simply realize that friendships can be just like relationships. In the end, you can discover that the person you invested your soul into…does not see you even remotely close to the same light and level as you saw them. Learn from this mistake. Figure out how to never let someone like this close again.
I realized, I do not have to defend my core beliefs, motivations or feelings to anyone. I don’t owe anyone an explanation nor do I have to establish my defense in the judgement court. Usually, when people flip on you like this…it is because they are projecting their own issues, not yours. I have close friends in my life since I was three, and it isn’t because I am a selfish asshole who doesn’t put time and energy into them to ensure our bond is still tight. As I age, the “fair weather” people reveal themselves and wash themselves away. I am left with a LOT of quality of quantity. The beauty of wisdom and self awareness is this…when people who do not have deep self awareness accuse you of falsehoods…you do not have to own it. You do not question yourself. You already know who you are. Confidence in yourself and knowing your heart keeps situations like this at bay. You see it for the silly thing it is and reevaluate who and what you want to invest your time, love, compassion, empathy and energy into. For the first time in my life, instead of being diplomatic and kind even to the end…I let that betrayal sink in. I wanted to learn from it. I told the person to fuck off with their shit….something I have NEVER done in my past. I have ALWAYS worried about others. I hate confrontation and do not want to hurt people. However, I think I am at the end of the road with taking peoples fucking bullshit. It was freeing, satisfying. I wasn’t an immature jerk, but I certainly flipped that middle finger and told them to beat it. The old me would have sniveled, groveled and tried to fix the misunderstanding…even if none of it was my fault.
I am no longer that social butterfly with a zillion acquaintances. I learned what self preservation is. It is not giving of myself emotionally, physically or my hard earned finances to appease people who would never do the same for me. I don’t want to be lost in a sea of false smiles. I’d rather count my friends on one hand than have handfuls of unreliable “good time”ers.
If you find yourself in a situation where someone is telling you things about yourself that ring as completely false and offend you deeply….don’t bother. Life is short and unbelievably beautiful! Do not waste your time or energy on those who are telling you that essentially…you suck balls. I am sure they can find a new person to let down. Boundaries, communication, understanding….if you can’t share these things and not be ripped apart….then you aren’t in company worthy of sharing it with.