Great title. Not so great reality. I have to wait 6 months before I will know the true fate of my chest, but I have to consider that I may have lost the very thing I was so insecure about I got surgery. In 2006, I got my first boob job. My body completely rejected it IMMEDIATELY. I went to Dr Frank Ryan and left with one double boob (implant had slipped) and the other hard as a rock. I remember telling him I regretted doing this and that I wanted them out. Like many surgeons, he told me I would be very unhappy with my body if I did. (Oddly, the Botched Drs that are now on board with explanting once told me I was “too young” to do that to my body and they only offered me a revision, which I declined in 2016?) I was convinced that “drains” were all I needed and if I got those, my body would finally be ok with implants. I was SO unhappy. One year after my first set, I was getting my 2nd. I just didn’t have the balls I do now and didn’t fight for what I REALLY wanted…them OUT. I figured the Dr knew far more than I did….but then again, he went and butchered Heidi Montag…..so did he? (she is lovely, I refer to the 80 surgeries she got in a day). I liked the dude, he was very nice…but his work never ever looked lovely on me, honestly.

When I awoke, I was told they removed a baseball sized wad of scar tissue from my left breast. Bye bye, real titty. Fast Forward. The top Dr in Beverly Hills was still unable to give me a nice chest. I looked like a monster. Scars, hard as a rock, just NOT what a woman thinks she is going to get when she shells out the cash for plastic surgery. Hey, Tara Reid! I fucking FEEL YOU, girl!  Of course, I am told that I somehow did this. Had I Harry Pottered them a little more, begged Aslan for his help, had Gandalf The White on my side, then I would have had the titties I paid for.

I paid enough to buy a decent car on two sets of shitty tits from the top surgeon in Beverly Hills. I was surrounded by plastic, the closest people in to me so judgmental of EVERYTHING (“oh! one is bigger than the other, did you EVER notice, Adri??”) Hell, I remember the ex fuck buddies of who I was currently with CONSTANTLY coming up just to say “HI!”, with their ginormous porn star racks and big blown up lips. People I dated were full of HGH , filler and botox….it was everywhere! I did NOT fit into LA. My insecurities in that world were immense. I am GLAD my boobs botched so I didn’t stupidly alter anything else!

Fast forward to a week ago. 2 surgeries..one explant one emergency surgery because my body was a dick and gave me a hematoma. I went back to Dr. Mussat (who is fucking amazing and says she has no interest in doing breast implants on women anymore because of chicks like me and my health issues with ruptured shitty implants)…and she assessed my boobs. I can tell she did a stellar job, but that right titty has me and her wondering. She said she had to remove so much scar tissue, she was worried I may have NO TITTY LEFT. Do you ladies HEAR THAT SHIT? All of you women not happy with your bodies thinking plastic surgery is some how gonna fix that? I have to wait 6 months and see what my final form is to assess if I even have a fucking BOOB left. I went in because THAT boob made me insecure. From ex shitty lovers pointing it out and laughing about it as I cried, to stuffing the fucking bastard on red carpets…..that BEAUTIFUL slightly smaller titty may have went the way of the DoDo. She said if it happens, I can do fat transfer…but after my body said FUCK YOU to me AGAIN..and gave me a hematoma and a second surgery in one day a week ago….I don’t know about that noise. Mussat wondered if Dr Ryan had left my OLD IMPLANT from my original surgery in my right titty, as it was a weird color, etc. I certainly paid for a new one. We will never know, he passed away sending texts on his phone in Malibu when he accidentally drove off a cliff.

She removed HALF of my favorite titty in an attempt to even me out…if my left titty decides to come back from the dead. HALF OF MY GOOD TITTY! I fucking felt sad, man. How many years had I angled my body in photos for her to featured? I had lost an old friend. Now, that itty bitty right titty, I look back….she was fucking lovely too.  No one goes and gets a procedure thinking they will be the butchered patient. Everyone believes THEY are “THE ONE” and everything will look great. Having lived in LA, I cannot tell you how many AWFUL tit jobs I have seen backstage at fashion shows, etc. SCARS, mutations…you just don’t get it. i have seen more BAD titty jobs than good ones…and in LA/entertainment…I have seen a SEA of tits. girls who spent out the ASS to get sliced and diced to look good ONLY in clothes…cause that shit is WEIRD looking out of them.

In other news, I did NOT take a pain killer last night before bed because I am annoyed with them. My body is paying for it today, but I don’t want to turn into one of those “She was so active, vibrant and successful till she got her prescription!” cases. Fuck that noise.

Ladies, don’t butcher your lovely, soft, bouncy REAL titties! Never let ANY man (or lady!) make you feel less than for your body, and always question what someone tells you about your body who isn’t happy with theirs that they nip, tuck, juice etc themselves!!” Also, all joking aside, I am fucking HORRIFIED that this might be a possibility for me. I have wept the last few days and I want to hope for the best….but have to consider the worst if I want to be realistic. For those assholes bombarding me with “You did this to yourself”! NO SHIT, YOU FUCK FACE! Imagine sitting there…realizing your idiocy at the age of 23 may have possibly condemned your fucking BALL/TIT. It aint an easy pill to swallow. Like leaving Hollywood with my hunk and eventually selling Avon (which I started after my myomectomy on pain killers, I might add..lol) wasn’t enough ammunition for people who want to poke at me and tell me what a NOTHING and NOBODY I am. Now I am that old, purposely graying, possibly ONE TIT former model who formerly married and divorced America’s Favorite Family dick head who can’t stop marrying people…I just got EVERYTHING going on for me over here.

The thing is, I do. I have the sexiest, most compassionate hunk of a man who jokes with me and supports me. I have friends and family who love me. I have a minor platform I can use to sway women away from making the mistakes I have. Even if I end up weeping at the end of 6 months because I lost a titty….or throw a party for my titty coming back from the dead….I will be good. That is what I keep telling myself, over and over. I married my best friend. I left that shit soup of insecurities. Whatever I have to face in 6 months, I can fucking do it.

I might cry a lot while I do, but I will do it.