Remember the gossip sites BEFORE TMZ? There was one major one. It was a play off of a famous celebrity Heiress. A friend of mine pointed out they wrote about me recently. I didn’t know it was still around. Not being snarky, just figured he did what I did..grew up and got the fuck out. I didn’t read it. He used to post really mean shit about me. Trust me, I started dishing it back. One day, Kendra Wilkinson decided she hated me for NO REASON. I remember how surprised I was at it. She wrote me a private message on myspace. I reached out to Playboy/her publicist with my manager to let them know she had been hacked. I was sadly informed…she had NOT. That was legit from her. I guess she and the Gossip Site owner were buddies and it became a fun game for them to shit on my life. I was accused of banging an OLD GUY FOR MONEY…from…her. Ok. No comment on that one 😛 My personal favorite was when they would post the WORST photo of me next to her BEST for an article….like this. (Me in a Jon and Kate wig…lol) I am Karening BEFORE Karen
I used to be all “well FUCK them…” but in all honety, It used to make me cry…and by cry I mean SOB. I legit felt awful. The site constantly indicated I was some whore, diseased, stupid, loser, etc and drew cocks and CUM on my face. I remember posing for pics with my ex and a few of my gay friends who laid on my shoulders…of course it was published I was SLUTTING around…you know, with men who had zero interest in my boobs. sigh. The things people used to get away with back then. Would drawing cocks and cum on people today be considered sexual harrassment? Bullying? How quickly would one get sued?
Back then his website was the TMZ of that era, so EVERYONE saw pictures of me like this. I think I would be lying if I said this kind of negative pressure in my life didn’t have a huge impact on me. I became more and more bitter and angry….hating LA and everyone in it. I drank, smoked weed…and generally stewed in anger and rejection. People would say “Like, oh my god! You are like, so bitter and junk! What is like, wrong with you?” Lets see YOU endure years of shit like this on a grand scale as I did. Then come to me and let me know how utterly amazing your life is. 😛 I don’t hold grudges. She seems to have gone through the ringer in a VERY public way and I feel bad for her. Seriously, really bad. It is no walk in the park to suffer in the public eye. I understand what it feels like to be cheated on in a public relationship and realize you were living a lie. I am sure the dude is living the dream and being well. As for the website, I still cringe at the thought of it. I was younger then. I just wanted to be liked, who doesn’t? I wasn’t and it didn’t feel good. Toss pictures like the one above in the mix w/all the insults and I felt like I never left highschool. The bullies who had haunted me throughout my youth took on another form in my adulthood. I was suicidal in my teens due to it. in my 20s, self hatred turned to bitter anger.
I think, when people ask me how their children can get on a reality show, etc….I balk. I cannot imagine wanting something like this for anyone I loved. Fame is a worthless comodity. It fills no voids, heals no wounds and is only a moment of feeling good. My life now has SO much less stress, it is as if I live entireles stress free. I think the pressure and scrutiny I used to endure prepped me for this life I have chosen now to be an actual form of heaven on earth. For that, I am grateful. I walked amongst the wolves and escaped with a few survivable injuries. Not many can say that.