There is no way around it, to be addicted to anything is to be narcissistic.  When I used to smoke, I put those around me at risk, knowingly. I’d play make believe that my cigarette smoke was magical, and wouldn’t find it’s way in the house I was smoking next to, the vents, etc. I put my need to smoke above all else. I excused my young niece knowing I smoked because I did it outside. I played make believe that I was not a strong female influence on her and liked to PRETEND she was too young to understand what I was doing. She was 7 or 8 years old when she asked me why I sneak around and smoke so much (she is 14 now). Kids are not stupid. I was. My excuses for modeling poor behavior for my niece to be exposed to were pathetic. My putting myself first and knowingly doing something under the guise that she was too young to understand what it was….it was pure selfishness. It was extremely narcissistic behavior. I was an absolute fool to pretend it wasn’t. The very person I claimed I’d give my life for was NOT important enough for me to not model damaging and bad behavior to. It doesn’t get more self serving than that!

When I used to smoke weed everyday, as much as I liked to pretend it was not addictive, it was a major crutch in my life. It altered who I was and helped me run from my issues instead of solving them and evolving. I stayed in abusive relationships because I would get high and play World Of Warcraft to just make believe the bad shit said to me did not exist.  I lied to myself every single day. It wasn’t till I quit that I realized how bad I was. My own friends started telling me how much I used to repeat myself…over and over and over. I felt embarrassed that I didn’t realize how sluggish my sharp mind had turned into. I had lived in denial for 20 years. I told myself I was too anxious, too stressed too sleep deprived to NOT smoke weed. I based my entire life on how and when I would smoke. I could never enjoy any activity sober. Everything I did, I HAD to be high to enjoy it. Walk in the woods? HIGH! Work out? HIGH! Wake up? HIGH! Listen to music? HIGH! Matthew said he’s never date another pot head. That shook me awake. I didn’t need to be getting high every day of my life to enjoy my life. In fact, I did not need to alter my brain to enjoy this world! I now wonder how much better I would have been at everything, hosting, writing, etc had I not been stoned stupid every moment of every day. I smoked all day every day. I built up a tolerance and no amount I’d smoke would really get me high anymore.

Alcoholism. If you cannot go a week without booze in your life, you are an alcoholic on some level. I have experienced many people in my life that leaned on booze. It clouded their minds and made them very ME orientated.  Addiction makes a narcissist. The addiction comes before anyone in your life and you will defend it till you are blue in the face. I spent the majority of my 20s in a relationship with an alcoholic and ironically, after leaving…I began to abuse it too! Addiction is the king of excuses. They are finding people in their 40s showing signs of alcohol induced dementia…damage from hard drinking whilst young coming back to haunt us. Even a glass of wine a day can build up a dependency in your body. One glass of wine a night seems nice. Suddenly, it doesn’t have the same effect it used to. Now it is two glasses a night. Welcome to addiction! I can’t count the amount of times I tearfully begged someone to quit drinking…and was ignored. Booze was the MAIN factor in my divorce years ago. It was me, or booze…..I wasn’t picked.

Addiction leads to a very singular mindset…one that has little ability to look outside of yourself. You end up greatly hurting those around you, even if it is a small addiction like smoking. My grandma died in my arms with a large tumor in her lung. It was a death I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy….and the person I adored most was suffering in my arms. My grandma was exposed to my smoking along with my Mother’s for years. Would she have suffered like that had it not been for our selfishness to expose those we loved to our deadly decisions?

I do not need to be high to enjoy nature, I do not need to be drunk to have a fun night. I do not need a cigarette as an escape. I do not need to be so narcissistic that I can’t see my behavior for what it is.

I drink once or twice a year now. I can have 1 or two drinks and I immediately get a headache within a half hour of drinking it. I do not smoke. Last cigarette I tried to smoke I almost vomited from the taste. I do not smoke weed. The last time I tried, I chewed off all the flesh on the inside of my lip and felt uncomfortable the entire time. I did not feel sharp or witty and it did not enhance what I was doing. I have cleansed my body of the toxins I had permitted to permeate it for years, some for decades. In doing so, my body can react to toxic things the way the human body SHOULD.

I am glad to finally be me….I am fun and awesome just the way I am. Anyone who thinks I am ONLY fun or cool if I am fucked up or harming myself in some way can eat shit. I do not want to be dependent on anyone or anything.

If your habit is causes RELATIONSHIP issues in love, friendship or family…YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. If using a substance is more important than the feelings of someone you claim to love, welcome to narcissism due to addiction. If you cant go weeks without booze, weed, cigs…if you SAY you can but never PROVE you can…you have a crutch.

Reality isn’t always pleasant. I am glad I woke up to who I was and what I was doing with my life.