its been a long journey. I think our country is obsessed with fame and entertainment. So many people want to “make it”…but what exactly does that mean? I have seen former stars…huge stars in their time…on their last legs. So dissappointed in their fall from the top that no amount of drinking or self medicating could aid them. I have watched people compromise their bodies and minds just to get that next gig. I have witnessed current stars…so disgusted with the public and their fans…robbed of any normalcy, no amount of money seemed worth what they had to sacrifice to be where they are. They live in a bubble….a bubble everyone wants to be inside. Claustrophobic lives on the run.
There were two times in my life I can honestly look back and marvel that fame didnt kill me. The first time was after my divorce. The speculation that I had been some whore…some party girl…when all I ever did was be good and stay home. It was almost too much to bare. I had put my all into that relationship. To have it fall apart…and to have people speculate that it did so because of horrible shit I would never take part in for any reason…it almost broke me. The rumors couldnt have been further from the truth.
Later, I was horrifically betrayed by someone in the industry. Their callousness and complete “don’t care” attitude about something that was fucking my mental state…my life… up beyond repair (at their hand) almost pushed me over the edge. I remember, downing a 5th of Jager and contemplating if my life was worth living anymore as I silent wept reading gossip sites…feeling like the vultures had picked all that was left of me away. Just some empty shell of who i could have been…crumbling into nothing.
Those two times were the worse…but the backstabbing…the heartache…the over exposure of things i had tried to keep sacred…that never stopped since the day that blanket fell revealing me as the firat winner of top model. I am never shocked when a Heath Ledger Overdoses….a Lindsay Lohan falls from grace…its a tough ride to stay on. Yet, so many people desire to ride it because they believe in the smoke and mirrors projected by the industry. All that fake fluff is so desired and coveted….fame and “making it” seem to be the top priority of most.
It has been such a relief to run away. It’s almost as if…I am becoming who I was supposed to be…instead of what pressure had molded.