Fame Obsessed Planet

its been a long journey. I think our country is obsessed with fame and entertainment. So many people want to “make it”…but what exactly does that mean? I have seen former stars…huge stars in their time…on their last legs. So dissappointed in their fall from the top that no amount of drinking or self medicating could aid them. I have watched people compromise their bodies and minds just to get that next gig. I have witnessed current stars…so disgusted with the public and their fans…robbed of any normalcy,  no amount of money seemed worth what they had to sacrifice to be where they are. They live in a bubble….a bubble everyone wants to be inside. Claustrophobic lives on the run.

There were two times in my life I can honestly look back and marvel that fame didnt kill me. The first time was after my divorce. The speculation that I had been some whore…some party girl…when all I ever did was be good and stay home. It was almost too much to bare. I had put my all into that relationship. To have it fall apart…and to have people speculate that it did so because of horrible shit I would never take part in for any reason…it almost broke me. The rumors couldnt have been further from the truth.

Later,  I was horrifically betrayed by someone in the industry. Their callousness and complete “don’t care” attitude about something that was fucking my mental state…my life… up beyond repair (at their hand) almost pushed me over the edge. I remember, downing a 5th of Jager and contemplating if my life was worth living anymore as I silent wept reading gossip sites…feeling like the vultures had picked all that was left of me away. Just some empty shell of who i could have been…crumbling into nothing.

Those two times were the worse…but the backstabbing…the heartache…the over exposure of things i had tried to keep sacred…that never stopped since the day that blanket fell revealing me as the firat winner of top model.  I am never shocked when a Heath Ledger Overdoses….a Lindsay Lohan falls from grace…its a tough ride to stay on. Yet, so many people desire to ride it because they believe in the smoke and mirrors projected by the industry. All that fake fluff is so desired and coveted….fame and “making it” seem to be the top priority of most.

It has been such a relief to run away. It’s almost as if…I am becoming who I was supposed to be…instead of what pressure had molded.

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4 Comments

  1. Great post. When you were crowned America’s Next Top Model, did you anticipate that a Hollywood lifestyle and rise to fame would do this to you? Did you go into it knowing of all the dangers, but just thought “I have thick skin, I’ll be fine”? Or did the vultures tearing away at you completely catch you off guard? Retrospect is 20/20, though, and I’m very happy for you that you got the fuck out and found a happy, quiet life with your fiancé. Thanks for reading! Also, I watch your Facebook Live streams all the time and discovered we have the same birthday. That made me feel pretty cool.

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  2. I am so happy that you have found your bliss. You deserve every bit of it. I remember falling in love with you during ANTM. A down to earth broad who had survived so much already in life.

    I was really rooting for you in the first marriage, because you deserved happiness. But since that turned toxic, I am glad you got out.

    You were always too real for Hollywood. You belong where you are. HAPPY.

    Keep doing what you do. You’re my favorite Avon lady. Much love to you.

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  3. Thankyou for your insights and candid thoughts. I was directed to your blog via Mr Ducksauce (I lurked on his twitch stream a lot). I find you very grounded and honest. With all the X Factors and Britains Got Talent etc it feels as though people just want to be famous without seeing the hard work others put into it or the many pitfalls that exist therein. Whenever I read your posts or see Mr Rhodes head out into the blue I am reminded that there is much more to life and that it is too important to miss it.

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