What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

what is it that makes a relationship last, thrive and strong?

I am learning a lot through therapy and simply chatting with people in long lasting relationships. I think you can get some advice from people who are divorced, etc…but the best advice comes from those who have made it work…and the trials and errors they’ve been through to do so.

Romance. Even the best relationships I’ve seen have suffered its loss at times. We get comfortable and we stop putting the effort into feeding our desire through romance. Usually I hear that kids can dampen it, but even just the passage of time can do a number. Those older couples holding hands and kissing aren’t doing it because it’s a natural gift. They put in the effort and work it takes to keep it going. The invite new challenges and adventures to keep kove fresh and vibrant. I’ve slacked on my appearance before. I’ve slacked on letting someone know what they mean to me. I am learning how to never let that happen…and when it does,  how to fix it.

Compromise. This seems to be the most important thing. When two become one it doesnt mean you lose your own identity…but to work as a team means to consult in one another. If something is being done that makes the other unhappy…a compromise is a must. You cannot expect to do what you need for you without taking the other into consideration. The moment you don’t,  resentment thrives…and breakups can and will happen.

Communication. Even asking for a break to calm down must be communicated…down to how long you’ll need. Understanding one another and communicating effectively will keep the machine oiled and working. I have failed in the past expressing that I was feeling certain ways…That isn’t an option anymore. From what you are spending your money on to what time you’ll be home, communication is key.

“That is why a man (woman) leaves his (her) father and mother and is united to his wife (husband), and they become one flesh.”

If I have witnessed anything,  it is those who put their spouse in the #1 position who make it work. It shows those with children that their parents are a unit and those without that they’re a team in the eyes of the world. I’m off the gossip train. Filling your family and friends in on the inner workings of your relationship has caused nothing but problems for everyone I know, including myself over the years. It invites unsolicited advice, perceived third wheels and bias opinions on both sides. Unless severe emotional or physical abuse is happening, keeping the inner workings of your relationship sacred and between the two of you and no one else is a huge must. If I ever vent to anyone,  I will do my best to keep it to “God, he is on my nerves today.” with 0 information outside of that. It’s no one elses business outside of our own.

I always said, if i were ever to marry again….it was going to be the finale time…and I would do everything i could to make it last. To me, when we do decide to say our ” I dos ” I will cleave myself to my husband and honor and respect him. If I want to remain an individual doing as I please then i have no business getting married.

thoughts?

 

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11 Comments

  1. I’ve been married 20 years (we were 22 and 24 when we married) and the independence thing is a bit of a struggle. On one hand, yeah, your spouse is your #1 after yourself and there does have to be compromise. On the other hand, after years and years of cleaving myself to my husband, it’s built up some resentment as he would like to have friends and activities separate of me. I have hurt feelings because he’s been my #1 for a long time and now it feels like rejection. It’s not but. . .I neglected friendships and activities to support him during some difficult years and now he wants more freedom and I don’t have the same outlets. At 41 it’s hard to make friends because I don’t have kids which really alienates me from a lot of my peer group. Our marriage isn’t in trouble, but I feel unappreciated for what I’ve done in the past and he feels suffocated.

    I know this is tl;dr there needs to be a balance between individuality and being a team. I’m having to learn this.

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  2. I love this!!!!! I know me and my husband need to work on so much but a relationship is work! I believe making your spouse feel like number one is important so is putting in effort to show it. Dates are important, getting out without the kids is major

    Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

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  3. I totally agree with you. I’ve been married almost 6 years and yes, marriage can be difficult but the rewards are endless! My guy is my life, even when he’s being a butt muncher (I’m no peach either at times lol), but communication, compromise, and showing them how much they mean to you is so important. I want him to feel loved and appreciated just as he does for me. Even the smallest gestures go a long way! We are far from perfect, but we are definitely meant to be. I wish you and your husband to-be the very best!

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  4. Rule #1 for a good relationship: never go to sleep mad.

    Rule #2: never sleep in different beds.

    Rule 1 + Rule 2 = having to work out your issue in bed before you go to sleep. Sometimes it will be 3am before we start talking about the problem, but it gets resolved and we feel better before sacking out. Plus you get make up sex 90% of the time!

    If you break either rule, you build a little bit of mental separation from the other person. Do it too often and there is no relationship left.

    Kendal, married 27years.

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  5. I guess 20 years of therapy would make you an expert. NOT. Why would anyone take advice from someone who had to beg their boyfriend to marry her and when he did made up some nonsense that family and friends were keeping you from getting married because they didn’t like the way you were doing it……HORSESHIT!!!! If you want to continue to put all of your business on Facebook atleast be truthful about it.

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    1. I agree with some of this..all that showing off rings and dresses beforehand…then leaving for what, a 3rd time? And then proposing. First thing i thought of was my ex fiance sayimg he felt like i pushed him into proposing and i had no idea he felt like that! You have someone constantly in your ear saying you want to get married by a certain age and showing dresses and rings is too much. Let it flow naturally. Not everything you want good as planned on a timely manner. Heck on Livestream he said he missed having the house clean and the cooking..and you put alot of your issues out on a very public social media with alot of fallowers, then get pissed when people reply to this issues and she says it’s private and we don’t know what we’re talking about..well we only know what’s posted, which isn’t great. You were there for him through his back stuff, and really helped with getting him into vice overs as a career which at first he did he hated doing and now loves it. You go through surgery and what happens? You are by yourself while he’s off camping with his dog every weekend. You even make passive aggressive comments on Livestream seeing it did really affect you! People notice and say something and you are ganged up on and given shitty replies! If you don’t want anyone saying anything, don’t put it out there! You pound marriage so hard then you get engaged and suddenly people make you not care when you get married? Did you just want the pretty ring and now your good as long as you can flash the rock? That shows he cared enough so you are happy? You care more about just showing your engaged with the rock and getting engagement photos but who cares when you get married? At least you are giving him an out in case he really did just feel pressured! The guy is obviously not as there for you as you are for him. You are the maid..a very OCD, maid. You are so devoted but is he to you? If so, he’d marry you if you said “let’s get married tomorrow”Try it, see if he hesitates. Just don’t put your shit out there AT ALL then complain when someone replies with something more than “you are too cute together, you made the perfect couple!” Hell, the guy obviously doesn’t feel the same in posting all the pictures put up and the passive aggressive comments when you aren’t so happy with him! Keep it private! Somethings should just be between you two and not everyone else because you make certain comments on Livestream or in a blog! Keep it to Avon, for your business, and whatever else business you want to go for!

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  6. And the picture you posted of you in the water saying it isnt photo shopped….please explain the lower left (your right) hand side of the picture. It looks deformed. Is your armpit up to your head?

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  7. My husband and I have been together 11 years, married for 3 of those. Balance is important. You can continue being an individual even in a relationship, you just have to always consider your spouse. I think it’s possible to get too clingy or not pay enough attention. That’s where you have to find a balance. My husband is an avid gamer and I’m an avid reader, so we have plenty of time spent apart but we also make sure that we spend time together doing other things. (Lately, every other day we go play Pokemon Go somewhere.) Balance, compromise, communication and romance. Work at those things and your relationship will be successful.

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  8. The reason people have stopped following you is because you are a moron. Not because you dont show your boobs (which you do in every post) or because you are engaged…you are just plain stupid.

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    1. Every Livestream with a towell dress and the other tops shows she obviously has boobs! Not like she tries to hide them or covers them to not get the comments she so hates! Give me a break! People left because of the sensitivity issues, political crap, being engaged, etc. Take your pick really.

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  9. It’s taken me a few days to actually come up with a way to word what I wanted to say. Ms. Adrianne. I hope that I don’t sound contrite, or smug or anything like that. I sometimes have a hard time getting words out of my head to paper.

    My husband and I have been together for 25 years and have been married for 22. We not only love each other, we have a huge respect as well. When we were both started on our path together, we were friends first. I think that helped a lot. We both are stupidly romantic and shower each other with love, not only by saying it, but by deeds.

    We’ve seen each other through rough times, and good times. We survived major health scares, from near death to emergency surgeries to deaths of three of our parents to whom we were very close.
    We know what triggers us, what is ok to tease each other with, or how to soothe the fears and when to fight the demons. We survived thick and thin because the idea of living without the other in our lives is not an option. Its’ never been an option.
    In the hardest, toughest times that have happened, we knew that we’d get through it, because the other part of the couple not being there has never been an option.

    Have we had fights? Several. Some arguments that have went on for days. After we’d both calm down, we’d talk and work to smooth things out. Decide what each side could do to make it better. Even just talking about it would help a lot of times.

    We’ve had therapy, both couples and on our own. Knowing and accepting when you need some outside help is great. Doing it is even better.

    We talk a lot. to each other. We go out when we can, we game together when we can. We let the other have alone-quiet time when we can.

    We do what we can with what we got because not being in each other’s lives has never been an option. We’re also hopeless romantics.

    As some of the people above my post have said, compromise, communication, thank them when they do something, acknowledging them, love and adore and yes it is hard work. But it’s worth it to have someone who loves you as much as you love them in your life. We are all far from perfect. It takes time to build up the rapport between you two. Someone who can make you laugh hard enough that you snort (or pee) is worth it. Because in the end, when we’re old, broken down and senile, having your A #1 dude next to you is worth it all.

    Wow, this turned out longer than I intended. From what I have seen on your social media and Matthew’s, I think you two are going to be alright.

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