Building Boundaries

I have gone my entire life afraid to build boundaries. I’ve felt taken for granted and taken advantage of because I struggle to say no. I’ve allowed myself to be treated in ways I do not find acceptable AT ALL because I was afraid to set my boundaries. There have been times I felt worn thin..and spent…simply from having to do things I couldn’t see a way out of. I couldn’t understand how people could ask so much of me…or treat me in a way I’d  never treat them.

That ends now. I will be 35 in august. If someone treats me a way I do not find acceptable, I will not tolerate it. If someone starts pressuring me to do something I do not want to do…i will NOT fold. Had I been better setting my boundaries…i would never have had to go out into the cold desert underdressed with no sleep to shoot guns when I didn’t want to. I would still have the vision I lost in my eye due to the virus I caught when I got sick. I did not want to do that. I allowed myself to be guilted into doing it…and now, I’ve lost 50% of my vision in my left eye.

I will be a better and less resentful person if I refuse to do things for people that I do not want to do. I will be a happier and more joyful soul if I refuse to let people say, do or pressure me in ways I don’t find acceptable. Was I being pressured hard? Not always…i thought I had to be the best person I could be to others. I was raised very very Christian. Just because I don’t practice the religion doesn’t mean it’s teachings aren’t burned into my brain.

 

Do you find yourself having lived the same struggle?

 

TIP JAR
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22 Comments

  1. Holy cow I’m the same way. I have a hard time saying no. I haven’t been told I’m going to the desert underdressed to shoot guns though. I do feel the lonely though because my husband is into online gaming and going hiking with his friend. I don’t care that he goes hiking because he loves it but the gaming could slow down. I’m glad you’re setting your boundaries because you deserve the best. I’m still offering to meet up for coffee and become your friend. Take care my beautiful online friend.

    🌹zanne🌹

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  2. I’ve been the same way. I’ve always been the yes person. I wish I could be that brave, and I will be supporting you as you set your boundaries! For all of us who aren’t that brave, good luck!!! You got this, you’re one of the strongest people I’ve been a fan of. Take charge and move ahead!!!

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  3. Perpetual victim. Seriously, you’re trying to portray yourself as a victim of yet another dude. Glad you’re setting boundaries. Now you need to grow up, take responsibility, and stop this silliness.

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    1. Victim? Of what? Being too giving to everyone, family, friends and lovers till I’m exhausted? It’s called maturity….sorry I’m getting wiser. Why are you being such an asshole?

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  4. Yep, I think you’ve got another douche an your hands. Why does Matthew feel the need to disappear every weekend? I’ve been thinking that for a while now, all the compliments and love have flown from you to him. What does he do in return? Was he there for every hospital/doctors visit? If he was sick, wouldn’t you be there for him? Wanting to go to every medical appointment? Time you reflected on your life choices.

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  5. (WARNING: What follows is a really fucking nosy reply to a bunch of shit that is none of my business. Feel free to deleted this and/or ban me, but please read it. I’m willing to risk both of those things just to say this. It’s worth it.)

    It’s very obvious something has been going on with you and many times I’ve wanted to say something. See, one of the problems with this internet thing is that it puts celebrities so close to us these days that sometimes we fancy ourselves friends with the people we follow and interact with. And I’m not weird (okay I am a *little* weird. Bygones). However, I know we’re not friends. I’m a follower on your social media — that’s it. It’s hard not to speak up and offer advice, insight, or even just some sass when I see some really familiar shit going down in someone’s life whose personality is so much like my own. The problem with women like us is that the whole brash, tell-it-like-it-is, confident and strong thing attracts the wrong people sometimes (SEE: MEN). People that wish they had the type of confidence you do. At first, you’re the fantasy girl to them and they are living like the king they always wanted to be. Then time goes on and fantasies give way to reality.

    One day you’re too loud.

    Then you’re too opinionated.

    Finally, you’re just too much.

    Suddenly, you are making yourself small to keep their affection. Stifling your light. Biting your tongue. You’re like a little lap dog waiting to be called over. It’s maddening trying to figure out what in the hell you’re supposed to be for someone when you used to be their fantasy. But of course as some men do they whittle away at that with insecurity or narcissism (and sometimes it’s a fun mixture of both!). Listen, I know I may be completely wrong with all of this and that’s cool. I don’t know shit about you other than the face you show on social media. What I do know is that everyone deserves someone that loves them just as they are. And the bits that could be better? Well, with the right person they *do* get better because the right people help us grow. They don’t poison you against yourself, tell you that you’re trying too hard, or leave you alone in a new city while they build their life without you. You spent a lot of time thinking that dude was your king. That’s horseshit, Adrianne. Not to get all Cersei Lannister on you, but don’t you dare kneel before some man and beg his forgiveness. You are a lioness. Do not cringe for him.

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    1. Love it.. perfectly spoken…your words hit so close to home. This is exactly what i just got rid of and now i am learning to let my light shine bright again.

      I know your words were not meant for me but THANK YOU😀

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  6. I apologize for what I’m going to say in advance but I feel like I’ve been biting my tongue for too long.

    I noticed way back in your Easter egg dye video that something was off. I voiced an opinion on it and immediately get jumped on by others for voicing it. I don’t know what changed in your relationship but it appears something has. Before the weekend camping trips you were happy, joyful in your posts and warm in sharing your love for your man. Now? There is no mention of him. He goes away every weekend to camp and I understand you guys spend every day together since you both work from home but guess what? So did I. I worked from home, spent every day with my man, we both are introverts and we made it work. I feel he is not trying as hard as he should be.

    It seems that since he’s gotten a few movie trailers (which you pimped out and I really believe helped him get, partly with your celebrity and also because you’re so passionate when you’re in a relationship so you were good promotion for him) it just seems to have changed him. I watched him on Twitch and you guys were adorable! He was fun loving, energetic and it was just fun.

    I’m just stating what I’ve seen and what I feel. I know I don’t know either of you personally and only know the bits and pieces that you share with us but I’ve followed you on Facebook for some time now, long before Matthew. I could be in the wrong and again, I’ll apologize for that. I just can’t be someone that stands by and not say something. I hope I am wrong, I really do. It’s just an observation. I’ve just seen such a change in you since the move to Arizona. You should be enjoying the sights with your love and having fun filled adventures.

    Anyways, I just figured I would throw in my 2 cents. Even though I’m just some random girl in NY that you don’t know, I am here if you need to talk anytime. Please know that I’m just speaking as a 3rd person that is going based on what I’m seeing. I’m not trying to start trouble or make waves, I just care..

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  7. Something is up. I think moving to AZ changed everything. You want to be his wife and take care of him. He doesn’t want marriage and I just can’t understand that. Don’t give up that! There is nothing wrong with being married. Anyone who is anti-marriage is not willing to commit or grow up. You shouldn’t spend all your weekends alone and shouldn’t have to censor yourself in public or private. I wanted you both to be happily ever after but you do not sound happy since your surgery. Life is too short to not be happy.

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  8. I just hit 30 but probably a couple of years ago I decided that if it was negative, I didn’t have time for it. I’m only giving to those who deserve it and if they take too much and don’t reciprocate, I call them on their bullshit. And you know what? It’s really fucking liberating.

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  9. I’ll be 35 in less than a month and I’m setting off on the same journey. And it’s hard as hell. It’s so easy to say I won’t be taken advantage of or I won’t let myself be guilted into, or out of, something but figuring out a way to actually do that is tough. Especially when you love the person/people that are making you feel that way. Knowing that some very important people in my life, people that I love with everything in me, might not make it to the other side of this with me is heartbreaking. Guilt is such a powerful tool, even when it’s self imposed. Good luck and stay strong

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  10. I realize everyone here cares about Adri, but I think people should pump the brakes on unsolicited relationship advice. To some people, just by opening up to us and venting about her problems, she’s given us a green light to add our two cents. Recounting a bad experience doesn’t necessarily mean she is asking for advice. She even asked at the end of the blog, “Do you find yourself having lived the same struggle?”, probably hoping to hear how some of you have dealt with the same issues. If she’d said “So, what do you think about my boyfriend?”, then fire away! Trust me, I’m right there with you all in wanting the best for her, and for her to be happy as fuck. Unsolicited advice, no matter how good one’s intentions are, usually not only falls on deaf ears, but has the opposite effect. They usually end up defending their S.O. and forgetting whatever qualms they had with him/her, and many times they end up resenting the friend who offered up the advice. I’m sure her IRL friends are just like many of ours: first to defend her, quick with a shoulder to cry on, and there for her to lean on. I think their counsel would hold 100x more weight than ours. So yeah, before you toss around advice, no matter how difficult it seems, try to put yourself in Adri’s shoes. There’s plenty of room 😉 #MyTwoCents #Hashtag #Poop #HouseCurry

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  11. I have always put others first, before my needs or wants. It frustrates me I’m not as strong as you are, I can’t put my foot down. I’ve never had anyone want ME for more than 6 months it seems… then something changes. I’m going to follow your personal journey and I hope to gain some strength from watching you evolve 🙂 Hugs to you and got gettum!

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  12. You need to stop listening to all the “yes men” and ego strokers on your social media. Stop reaching out to them for affirmation that you’ve been wronged by your man. You need a reality check, badly, but you are defensive when anyone speaks a kernel of the truth to you. Sorry, but that’s true. If this is not the right relationship for you, leave and get a job and support yourself and take responsibility for your own life. You have a lot to offer, I’m sure. And honestly it’s been obvious this relationship is not for you (not faulting either one of you) as the desperation has been oozing out of you for a long time. You don’t have to accept that for yourself. You can do this. I got divorced when I was 34, met my amazing partner the next year, and we now have a 2 year old daughter. I also went back to school and started a new career. You can do anything you want, but it takes work.

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  13. I’ll be 40 in October and I still have trouble telling people no. I get taken advantage of all the time especially by people at work. Got any tips on how to be more assertive?

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  14. If you tell people that you don’t want to do something or go somewhere and you stand up for yourself, people will.learn to respect you that much more. If they don’t, then you don’t need them around you. Live and be yourself and you will be happier.

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  15. When I hit 35 I started to care less about what others thought and started to take control of my life and to do things for me. Now that I’m 41, I feel freer than I ever felt when I was younger. I’m comfortable in my own skin. And I’ve been married for 19 years, so it’s not like this newfound confidence and self awareness alienated my husband. It’s okay to say no. It’s even okay to not feel bad about saying no.

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  16. There was a time I was like that. My experience, obviously not as bad as the few you shared. But I became more shut. I’m not sure if I’m free of that curse yet, that inability to say no. I certainly am better at saying no now but I still find myself going back down that road sometimes. I hope you’re able to achieve what you want. Peace and Love💗😘

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