If I’ve learned anything, it’s to be self aware.
I can be needy. I can desire greatly to be complimented by my guy, hugged or simply texted by a friend..just to feel they are as aware of me as I am them. i want to feel loved, desired, accepted…and i can only get that fix from my inner circle. Sometimes I give too much to the point that I feel empty. I fear death…i fear breaks of loyalty in my inner circles. I desperately want to “be sure” of everything. I want desperately for a feeling of “family”.
I thrive in tiny groups of people I love. I’m happiest when in the company of those I adore. I like being alone, but not very long. Almost everything I do is because I want to do it with or for someone else to see em smile and make me smile. I think of the future often and try to think of ways to prepare for it. I’m obsessive about never being in debt. I’ve never owned a credit card outside of my corporation for business expenses only. I put others before myself to the point that my loved ones scold me….but it feels SO good to give that I go overboard…and as my last has shown, it gets taken advantage of.
I desperately want to feel…like I belong…be it on earth, on a team, in a relationship or at work. I am relentless when I see an injustice…and cannot drop it till I know others see it too…which is why I got the shit beat out of me in NYC for ratting out a thief in a subway. What he did was WRONG and i HAD to point it out! I hate violence. I cannot watch people get hurt, not even in movies. It bothers me so deeply I have to sing songs in my head or imagine times with people I love. I will spend half a movie under a blanket to avoid seeing pain. I feel too much for everyone and everything . ..to the point that an emotional movie or news story will profoundly affect me for days.
I am so hyper sensitive to everyone else and what they feel I sometimes forget to think of myself. I can rationalize almost every behavior by almost every person due to trauma in their childhoods…not making a baseball team…i cannot NOT try to figure out why people are motivated to act the way they do..be it good or bad. I am obsessed with figuring out what makes us all work. I’ve forgiven unforgivable offenses in my past because I kept excusing behavior due to their past traumas.
I’m a complex and very sensitive person who gets deeply hurt by people who don’t even realize they are doing it, hence my tiny circle of friends. I’m all gooey and squishy inside…and for the life of me, I can’t seem to NOT be! I can easily wilt without emotional food, validation, etc.