Hey, here’s my soul

If I’ve learned anything, it’s to be self aware.

I can be needy. I can desire greatly to be complimented by my guy, hugged or simply texted by a friend..just to feel they are as aware of me as I am them. i want to feel loved, desired, accepted…and i can only get that fix from my inner circle. Sometimes I give too much to the point that I feel empty. I fear death…i fear breaks of loyalty in my inner circles. I desperately want to “be sure” of everything. I want desperately for a feeling of “family”.

I thrive in tiny groups of people I love. I’m happiest when in the company of those I adore. I like being alone, but not very long. Almost everything I do is because I want to do it with or for someone else to see em smile and make me smile. I think of the future often and try to think of ways to prepare for it. I’m obsessive about never being in debt. I’ve never owned a credit card outside of my corporation for business expenses only. I put others before myself to the point that my loved ones scold me….but it feels SO good to give that I go overboard…and as my last has shown, it gets taken advantage of.

I desperately want to feel…like I belong…be it on earth, on a team, in a relationship or at work. I am relentless when I see an injustice…and cannot drop it till I know others see it too…which is why I got the shit beat out of me in NYC for ratting out a thief in a subway. What he did was WRONG and i HAD to point it out! I hate violence. I cannot watch people get hurt, not even in movies. It bothers me so deeply I have to sing songs in my head or imagine times with people I love. I will spend half a movie under a blanket to avoid seeing pain. I feel too much for everyone and everything . ..to the point that an emotional movie or news story will profoundly affect me for days.

I am so hyper sensitive to everyone else and what they feel I sometimes forget to think of myself. I can rationalize almost every behavior by almost every person due to trauma in their childhoods…not making a baseball team…i cannot NOT try to figure out why people are motivated to act the way they do..be it good or bad. I am obsessed with figuring out what makes us all work. I’ve forgiven unforgivable offenses in my past because I kept excusing behavior due to their past traumas.

I’m a complex and very sensitive person who gets deeply hurt by people who don’t even realize they are doing it, hence my tiny circle of friends. I’m all gooey and squishy inside…and for the life of me, I can’t seem to NOT be! I can easily wilt without emotional food, validation, etc.

There…all exposed

 

TIP JAR
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17 Comments

  1. Thank you sharing and being so open. I do and feel many of the very things you wrote. Everyone told me to read “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. You may already know about it. The book can’t fix me. But I have been making healthy boundaries that allow me to take care of me. I’m just learning. It’s scary being alone. I’m afraid I will draw in someone that will take advantage. But your posts always give me hope that it is possible to live a happier life, one that puts me first. I can find people who truly care. Thank you for being you and helping so many.

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  2. I am like that as well. As a teacher, I stay strict, consistent to be fair, but it often breaks my heart. I want to help all of my students the ability to make their dreams come true, but when they have no desire to work for their dreams it breaks my heart. I want them to want more in life, to learn to work for what they want, but so many would rather have nothing than work for something. It’s a tough job, but we know what it’s worth, so people like us carry on hoping to make a difference…carry on my beautiful muse, carry on

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  3. I always enjoy your honesty but also your self awareness. This was so well written and truly gives everyone a sense of who you truly are which is beautiful to see you connecting with your fans this way. In my blog I attempted to write a “love letter” to myself since I struggle with sense of self or liking myself sometimes. If you feel like giving its glance I’ll include the link. But as always thanks for sharing your blog. KEep it up, i know so many of us enjoy it. https://thejessig.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/happiness-challenge-day-9-write-a-love-letter-to-self/

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  4. We’re definitely a lot alike. Especially the whole feeling too much. I just want to thank you for sharing this with everyone. It feels good to know it’s not just me.

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  5. I almost thought I was reading about myself. I keep the real me hidden behind a mask. Too afraid to show my vulnerability. It’s so very hard for me to let people in. I have my small tribe. That’s how I survive the fear. Hugs from a sister hiding my inner self.

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  6. Hi Adrianne, This is very interesting. I like to read about the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and the Enneagram, which I think you would also find very interesting. If you pick up a book or two on the latter, the best author is the late Don Richard Riso, who wrote several books. I’m naturally curious about fascinating things we can learn about ourselves and those that provide insights into what motivate others. I think you are very sweet and also very brave to share your “innards”. I’m very reserved about mine to the point that a lot of what you said about yourself I’ve locked away from most people. Be well. Be safe. I’ll keep reading and buying your Avon. Got my first purchases today! : )

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  7. Wow! Big hug to you. I’ve felt this way my entire life. Always do for others because it makes me feel good. I’ve felt your pain.. just knowing I’m not the only one has made me smile. Thank you for this! 💜

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