Getting this procedure done was a heavy decision for me. I had been suffering from my fibroid smashing in my bladder and ruining my quality of life with dripping and constant urges to pee. I got my birth control changed ( right before my surgery!) to try to stop the bleeding I had been suffering and it wigged me out. I think a lot of people don’t understand what introducing new hormones to your body can do. I felt crazy and oddly alone.
To top it off, I was really really scared. I’ve associated the feeling of going under to what death must be like without an afterlife…simply winking out of existence. I was afraid to go under because I had an irrational fear that I might die. I was afraid to lose my ability to take care of myself and afraid to put the heavy burden of caring for me on the shoulders of another.
Fast forward 6 days post op. I’m sore. I’ve been constipated nonstop so I have to rely on laxatives. I’m almost out of my pain meds, but I don’t want anymore. They’re so addictive, and after the breakup I went through at this same exact time last year due to the madness of prolonged opiod use, I am unwilling to jeopardize my life for limited relief. I have been fighting feeling isolated, but have had my friends to lean on via text and phone calls, as well as my Mom. One of My oldest friends is coming to visit me this weekend. The irony is, I came to her a year ago when her husband tragically passed. I’m really happy to see her and get to leave my home!!! I’m hoping to go to the movies..they have reclining chairs so I won’t be too uncomfortable. I just want to go somewhere! Lol . My stupid cat is affectionate here and there…though, I wish that stupid fucking mew would just sit in my lap and love me! Why are cats such assholes!?
Now, let’s talk about my body! I blew up like a blimp. I went into surgery 144 lbs and came out 156lbs!!!! Everything hurt from the water retention. Pair that up with my inability to take a shit with opiod use…and it was pure misery! I could flick parts of my body and watch them jiggle for up to 3 seconds. I don’t feel beautiful…i feel like I’ve been dragged behind a pickup truck for a few miles. Last night, I decided to start selling avon to occupy my mind as I heal. I’m really stoked to get my starter kit and start reviewing stuff online. I enjoy reviewing…and I really enjoy makeup….so boom! My grandma ordered everything from them..so it made me feel like she’s here.
I wish I could jump in my car and take myself for a ride, but I don’t trust my body if an emergency happened and I had to slam on my breaks. I started watching breaking bad as I anxiously await my Avon starter kit! It’s such a great show. I can feel the stitches poking inside. Laughing, coughing, sneezing…its torture!! I wondered today if I could flex my abs…i almost died. What a stupid idea!
It’s hard for me to be laid up. I’ve always prided myself in being strong and doing everything for myself and others. A sparkling home brings me joy. Feeling strong and working out makes me so happy inside! I know I’ll get there again…its just hard to watch the world continue around you while you just sit there…bored.
And that is why I’ve decided to share all of this. Dealing with women’s issues is not easy. People dont understand what a mental toll they take on your body and mind…ESPECIALLY you Mom’s! I cannot fathom having a baby who needs you while you feel this way…and an overwhelmed hubby that gets flustered. You guys are fucking superstars! In a way, I had a baby…it was just in tumor form…i named it Tyrion…and as of today, I learned it WAS NOT CANCER!!!! They suspected it wasn’t…but you have no idea how happy that made me to hear!!! I slap makeup on to look presentable and to feel better…everything I do leaves me feeling very tired.
My post op is May 8th. I can’t wait to hear what the doctor will clear me for then!