This has been the most fucked up 24 hours of my life. I want to say how great Matthew has been to me. I’m reeling from the news of surgery and he has been logical and loving when it comes to discussing this. I don’t know what I’d do without this man.
Yesterday, I had a physical examination by one of the best gynos in pheonix. He said he was unsure if he’d be able to feel my fibroid…and the moment he touched my stomach, I could tell he was surprised and he turned serious. I’ve been having trouble for 2 years now with bleeding when I’m not supposed to due to fibroids. I’ve seen 3 Great doctors. The first one tried every birth control she could on me to help with the bleeding. It only lasted a year before it got bad again. I bleed a week before my period…and it’s black. The 2nd doctor wanted me to get surgery, she couldn’t believe I was not in pain with the fibroid that had grown into my bladder, smashing it in half. I was scared…I put it off. That was November.
Now, here we are entering April. I can’t see movies because I have to leave to pee nonstop. I have trouble even getting my pee to start…and when I do, no matter how much I wipe or sit there afterwards, I trickle some out upon standing…. Matthew started making fun of me for dripping on the seat…it isn’t common for a woman… He quickly stopped when I told him what was happening to my body. Then he started pressuring me to see a doctor.
A month ago, I woke up and realised I had pissed myself. Luckily, I fell asleep in pants so they absorbed almost everything. I was horrified. 34 years old and I peed on my bed. I tore off the sheets and tossed them in the laundry. When Matthew asked why, I lied. I was humiliated! Who pees the bed at my age? Then, I peed a little when my stomach pushed against the counter. Matthew was right, time to make the appointment.
So, yesterday, my doctor came in with pamphlets on the Da vinci surgery. He said I should keep my uterus if I want to have kids…and soon. Otherwise…..boom…he hands Me hysterectomy pamphlets. All I heard was white noise. It’s one thing to say you don’t want children…it’s another to see your choice fade away. Not just choice…your ability to create life. This is a big fucking deal. I spent the next 3 hours waiting and getting ultrasounds outside and in…holding back tears.
I raced home from pheonix yesterday in a dreamlike state. When I got home I just fell into his arms. After getting what I needed out of them I looked him dead in the eye and said we need to make a big decision together. We need to decide if we are ever having kids…if he means to spend his life with me…if this is a WE decision or a ME decision. I dont want to wipe out my ability to create life if he leaves me in a year or suddenly wants babies. In true Matthew fashion, after asking if he intends on marrying me he says “jesus…duh!” Lol. Then I asked if he wants children…he doesnt. I already know it would be very hard for me to have kids with the amount of issues I’m having. My grandmother died of uterine cancer…my cousins have been having similar issues…
I never wanted kids past the age of 35. This year I turn 35. I’ve said for years “I don’t think I could have kid’s even if I wanted to”. It’s like…I had some premonition about it. I could live my life happily so long as this man is by my side.
I’m afraid. I’m trying to decide what route is best for me. I’ve been wanting to fix my tits and get rid of my toxic implants…but this is more important. I’m sure it won’t be cheap…but what is the price of your health? I keep imagining the movie “UP” and their money jar…constantly having to break into it. Do I keep my cervix or get rid of both my uterus AND cervix? Do I attempt to keep a failing uterus inside my body? I’m under a lot of stress and pressure. It’s been comforting to know other women have been through this too….to have this guy be at my side and promise he intends on staying there and committing to me in our future.
I must have surgery. Now, I must figure out which is best for me….thanks for the kind words…the shared stories…and information, guys.