Marriage is scary. People get married, love each other, then fight each other in divorce court into financial ruin. When I was young and dumb, I married the wrong person. To prove that I did so with a pure heart, I willingly signed and did things that were NOT in my favor. My lawyer who helped with our prenuptial said I was the dumbest woman he had ever worked with and that I deserved what was about to happen to me….he also said I was not to call him when it did.
Here I am. Happy. Happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I am alive. I may not have been able to keep things I paid for, or have what some would deem as “fair”, but I walked away with my integrity. I am an honest woman raised by honest women. I would never defile the honor and legacy of those who laid my path before me. I sleep soundly every single night. The only choice I can ever make in my life is to do the right thing. I can’t force anyone else to live honorably, but I can always do so for myself…and for my family.
Today, Matthew and I discussed our fears when it comes to marriage. MY biggest fear is that I will love a man so utterly and completely, only to be tossed aside when age takes its toll on my body. Forced to live the remainder of my days heartbroken, bitter…and frightfully alone. I will bare no children. The family I make will be with my guy. The thought of losing someone so dear to me….
My biggest regret in my life was being too young and dumb to recognize someone was wrong for me…and not waiting for the one who was right. I’m in a position in my life that I can say without a doubt….I’m with “the one”. It’s a beautiful feeling. To give myself into this idea is scary. I tossed aside my career I had worked on for 13 years because I believe this is more important than a job…more important than LA….the thought of giving these things up to find myself alone…
However, I won’t live my life in fear. I won’t jinx a good thing with worrying that someone else’s heart isn’t pure. You guys all know I love my guy. There is one thing I am certain of….I am going to love this man till the day I die. He is a gift from someone I miss dearly…sent to me on a day I missed her most. I’m not afraid of him. I’m certainly not afraid of myself. Our journey is just beginning. I’m not afraid anymore.