LOVE & MARRIAGE

Marriage is scary. People get married, love each other, then fight each other in divorce court into financial ruin. When I was young and dumb, I married the wrong person. To prove that I did so with a pure heart, I willingly signed and did things that were NOT in my favor. My lawyer who helped with our prenuptial said I was the dumbest woman he had ever worked with and that I deserved what was about to happen to me….he also said I was not to call him when it did.

Here I am. Happy. Happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I am alive. I may not have been able to keep things I paid for, or have what some would deem as “fair”, but I walked away with my integrity. I am an honest woman raised by honest women. I would never defile the honor and legacy of those who laid my path before me. I sleep soundly every single night. The only choice I can ever make in my life is to do the right thing. I can’t force anyone else to live honorably, but I can always do so for myself…and for my family.

Today, Matthew and I discussed our fears when it comes to marriage. MY biggest fear is that I will love a man so utterly and completely, only to be tossed aside when age takes its toll on my body. Forced to live the remainder of my days heartbroken, bitter…and frightfully alone. I will bare no children. The family I make will be with my guy. The thought of losing someone so dear to me….
My biggest regret in my life was being too young and dumb to recognize someone was wrong for me…and not waiting for the one who was right. I’m in a position in my life that I can say without a doubt….I’m with “the one”. It’s a beautiful feeling. To give myself into this idea is scary. I tossed aside my career I had worked on for 13 years because I believe this is more important than a job…more important than LA….the thought of giving these things up to find myself alone…

However, I won’t live my life in fear. I won’t jinx a good thing with worrying that someone else’s heart isn’t pure. You guys all know I love my guy. There is one thing I am certain of….I am going to love this man till the day I die. He is a gift from someone I miss dearly…sent to me on a day I missed her most. I’m not afraid of him. I’m certainly not afraid of myself. Our journey is just beginning. I’m not afraid anymore.

 

TIP JAR

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11 Comments

  1. I’m so proud of you for finally recognizing your inherant worth sweetheart, grandma would be so proud of you. As someone that saw your tours on ANTM and your reality shows…I hated how you felt you weren’t worth it…and dipshit Ex…suckwad…, I’m glad that you found Matthew, and I’m proud of you realizing you are awesome in your own right. Stand proud darling!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautiful.
    You’re right, nothing in life is certain except its end. However, a lasting marriage is still possible in these times. We remain contentedly wedded and it has been over thirty years now. I hope you two are together to the end as we plan to be.
    Stay strong.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Both my son and daughter (who are about your age) had disastrous first marriages, but now they have found their soul-mates and I am so happy for them. Their father was my big mistake, that I held on to for 20 years. I found my kind, gentle, sweet husband when I was 40 and we’ve been together over 20 years. I’m so glad for you both.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I often question my marriage… it is so hard and sometimes I don’t know if I’m strong enough to hold it together. My husband and I married only after 4months and knowing each other… I do believe he is my one but often question if he is the one for me now… or should have been my one later. Reading this article you wrote definitely has given me somethings to think about. Thank you for sharing!

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  5. You need to chill out and stop kicking yourself for doing what was right at that certain time of your life. Without that, you wouldn’t have the wherewithal to realize what you have now is solid. Life is a journey, with ups and downs but with each comes lessons learned. You’re still young from where I’m standing and I guarantee you will look back at this time as a learning lesson too. Sit back and enjoy the ride. You are the master of your domain. ✌️

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  6. Being open and honest with each other is key. It took me a long time to let my walls down, even after marriage (26 years next month!). Your commitment to yourself is just as important as your commitment to Matthew. I’m so happy you’re happy!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so happy for you. The best thing you can ever do before getting married is talk about your fears. Fear is an ugly monster when it lurks inside your head and makes you do and say things you wouldn’t. Now, your fears are out in the open. No more monsters. Always remember to take a couple of times a year to just listen to each other’s fears. JUST LISTEN. Take a few days or a week. Then sit down again and tell each other what you think or share memories to break down those fears. It keeps a relationship open to all communication. Many times fears sound like accusations. Don’t get caught in that either. I know a very special lady looking down from heaven saying that’s my girl. Much love to you and yours.

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  8. I love this! I have been through hell and back with my daughters father over her and not once have I went to the extent of making harsh comments of him while she is in my care! Him hiring private investicagtors to get something on me to take my sweet baby away from me! Sure I’ve messed up, young going out too much when she was NOT in my care!
    I have struggled financially have had to move in with my mother for god sake which was a trying time for all involved! I can proudly and foverever will be able to say I was a single mother and had no financial help from him what’s so ever! Seven + years with out a monthly child support check! I did this shit honorably and all by myself! I back in August could have taken him back to court and gotten some sort of help from him due to the fact that naturally him being a man makes more income then I do! But guess what, I don’t need his damn money to support my beautiful child I charish! I can sleep at night because I know I’ve not gotten bitter and made harsh decisions just to help my fancial status! People say we’ll all fathers pay some kind of financial support! Well guess what we’re doing just fine with out his money! That alone is the best feeling, doing this shit by myself! I don’t ever want to feel like I could have done it myself but took the easy way out! My daughter one day will realize the sacrifices I’ve made! She will see and know how her strong and unselfish her mother is/was!
    I think today it’s brought me to a place where I am finally happy! Just happy I didn’t rush into a marriage I knew wouldn’t last just due to the fact we boned and I got pregnant!
    Today after the seven year struggle have everything we need and most of the things that we want! And guess fucking what, I got us here myself! With a pure heart not doing things that were expected and the norm or fair because that’s just the way I am!
    Next goal, home ownership so she can have her own room that we can paint “black with gold accents”! Her want for a while now, I’ve always told her she’ll have that room soon! Finally getting closer to doing that for her! And the best part I did it all by myself!

    Sorry for the ramble but that felt good and I’m glad to know you chose your integrity and honor over what was expected of you to do in your situation! I’m proud of you because I know how hard it is to hear you’re not doing the right then when you know in your heart you are! Keep kicking ass girl!

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  9. Such inspirational words, I followed you from top model , thru the marriage of the wrong guy as well, when I look back at at how disrespectful you were treated on national television which I’m sure was just a glimpse of what your reality must have been like it saddened me. The love ❤️ you found with Matthew is honest and pure. You shared the bumps in the road with your fans and have made people like myself look in the mirror and evaluate my own life. Adrienne from the bottom of my heart thank you, you helped me realize that I have so much to offer and after explaining this to my guy and having a very long talk I honestly believe he gets me now, for you gave me the strength to be honest with him regarding my fears of being alone. It’s been a rough 16 months as I list my mother to Alzheimer’s disease and my man and I are in a very good place, and I realize I don’t need marriage to be secure. THANK YOU 😊

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  10. I am so pleased to have discovered your blog and social media sites Adrianne. My wife and I remember you from ANTM and are so very impressed with what you’ve made from your journey.
    It would be a pleasure having the opportunity to work with you should you ever desire to fund raise for a favorite cause or charity in particular. Your image and quality brand is simply beautiful.
    Much blessings to you.
    Bob

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  11. I think your heart is very big, open, and giving. You certainly seem to be giving a lot to him, and you are so sweet about it. I hope he is right for you.

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