Total Body Workout!!!

We have to start somewhere! Forgive the mess our home is, as we are in the middle of a move and it’s absolute madness. I wanted to share with you a BOTTOM HEAVY full body work out. Meaning, it targets your fucking legs and ass.  I suggest you put some tunes on and dance like a fucking lunatic for 10 minutes prior to the exercise. 5 minutes if you are really out of shape. What kind of dancing? The dancing you hope NO ONE EVER SEES…EVER.
You’re welcome. Feel free to smoke a doob and watch that on loop.
After you got yourself sweaty and your heart rate hammering…it’s time to start working the FUCK out.
First, I’d like to start with what I call kickback lunges. If you do NOT have a bosu ball, THAT IS FINE! It is for a more advanced workout anyway. All it does is make you wobble a bit, forcing your core to balance you and get nice and hard doing so. If you have a bosu or your gym has one, game on! If you have weights, awesome. If not, let me suggest Chunky soup cans. If those are too heavy, start with regular soup cans. I used to use my Dad’s size 17 shoes when I was younger…swear to god. He had these huge stinky ass work boots and I’d use em as weights. They were really heavy, steel toe! Put yourself in the stance seen below. Remember, you don’t need the bosu if you don’t have it. (remember, if pairing the upper body weights is too much in the beginning, drop em. This entire thing can be done without em, but you wont tone them arms while you do it)

split

When you lunge forward, be sure your knees DO NOT go over your tows. You’ll injure yourself. When you have lowered yourself to the floor, kick back with a huge burst back into position number one. Yep, it hurts, it sucks, your ass and thighs will look awesome, so who cares! Do 3 sets of 10-12 for advanced, 8-10 for beginners and up to 5 if it’s killing you dead. Always push yourself as far as you can go!

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Next, a split lunge press. start in the position you see below.

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lunge down and be sure your knees do NOT go over your toes. Bring the weights down to your shoulders. Push yourself back up and as you do, press the weights above your head. Make sure you squeeze that ass when you are all the way up. It will hurt. Do 3 sets of 8-10 for beginners, 12-15 for advanced…5 if you are gonna die

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Next, a side squat and front raise.
Here is the starting position. If you don’t have a bosu ball, naturally your feet will both be on the floor. (look at the sheer joy etched upon my face)

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Step to the side and bring yourself down in a squat while lifting your weights to shoulder level. The Key to squatting is sticking your ass out like a cat in heat, wish I was kidding, but I am not. REALLY pop that ass. Again, be sure your knees do NOT go over your toes.  Go back up into starting stance. 3 sets of 5 if you are dying. 8-10 for intermediate and 12 to 15 for advanced.

5

One legged hip extension. Lay on your back. Find a stool, or the bottom stair in your home if you do not have a bosu. (if using a step stool, put it up against the wall so it does not slide!) Put all your weight on your heel.  extension.

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now lift your ass off the floor and squeeze the fuck out of it for 1-3 seconds. drop back down. Do 3 sets of 5 if you are dying, 8-10 for intermediate and 12-15 for advanced.

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Next, Single Legged Donkey Kick. place your elbows on a pile of pillows if you do not have a bosu.  bring your knee to your chest and hold for 1-3 seconds.

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kick your leg back and raise your foot level to the peak of your ass cheek.  hold it for 2-4 seconds,  Bring your knee directly to your chest and start all over again. 3 sets of 5 if you are gonna die. 8-10 for intermediate and 12-15 for advanced

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Lastly, SUPERMAN! If you don’t have a bosu, it’s fine. Put a pillow or two down to give ya a little knee cushion. Get on all fours and bring your hands close to your knees.

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Lift an arm and your opposite leg and hold it for 3-5 seconds while squeezing your ass. Lower to position one. Repeat 5 times if you are gonna die, 8-10 for intermediate and 12-15 for advanced.

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Be sure between sets you only allow yourself to rest 30-60 seconds…90 seconds if you are gonna die. Keeping your heart rate up is gonna help you burn the fuck out of calories. YOU WILL BE SORE TOMORROW! I still get sore from this. Obviously, since I walked you through it today, tomorrow isn’t gonna be the best day for me. Here is the kicker. You wanna burn them calories? TIME TO DO 10-15 MORE MINUTES OF CARDIO! If you have an elliptical, bike or just want to dance like a psycho like me, this is gonna fry more calories than you can imagine. I know, you hate me.
Be sure you eat a good portion of protein within 30 minutes of your work out. I literally eat deli turkey meat because I hate protein powders. AVOID protein shakes and bars full of SUGARS that will cancel out everything you just did for yourself! Gatorade, etc….it’s full of shit you don’t need. I hope you guys try this out and I would LOVE to hear your feedback!
I do plan on doing more of these…and have even considered doing a ridiculous dance video as a fun warm up you guys can follow…maybe I’ll do the entire workout on video. We shall see!

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5 Comments

  1. This is so great! I have been wanting to find a workout routine but I didn’t know where to start. I love the idea of following your workouts. If you ever decided to do videos I think that would be extremely helpful, and your personality would make it way more fun than other workout videos. I hate working out but I think you will be a great motivator for me.

    Like

  2. I’m looking forward to getting into shape with you. Both my ankles are fused so I need modified squats and lunges. Do you have suggestions I can do? Thank you..

    Like

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